Continuing
I’m sitting in the dark, fuming, wondering what the hell that was all about.
I still have my drink and cigar and I’m employing them in their proper offices. This is right before I light the newspaper on fire for a bit of light.
Sr. Majordomo appears out of the gloom with a lit 7-stick candelabra.
“Sorry, Suh”, He says in the hoity-toity British butler accent, “Bit of a bother. Seems the electrical substation down the road exploded again. No worries. Happens all the time. We’ll be fine once the emergency generator kicks in.”
And, as if by magic, all the lights come on again.
“Why, thank you, Jeeves”, I say as he nods and departs.
Now…where was I? Ah…fuck. UREE’s down 2⅝’s.
The next morning, down at breakfast…
“Weeeell. Good morning, bright eyes! How we feeling this fine day?” I ask Sanjay as he slopes into the Raj’s breakfast nook.
He looks at me through what appears to be two baseballs composed of very lean bacon.
“…fine…how are you?” he asks.
“Me? I’m in fine fettle. I’ve never felt fettler. I’m still breathing, I have all my appendages, such as it is, and still a spotless record.” I reply cheerily.
“How? How…can you? How…do you?” he asks, wearily.
“Years of intensive practice, m’lad.”, I smile, “Here’s something hot, wet, and black. Drink up, it’s going to be a busy day, Bucko.”
“erf.”
Sanjay is appreciative for the Greenland coffee. Somehow he’s developed a taste for the stuff.
I ask the attending butler for my specialty breakfast: a grilled bagelwich breakfast panini.
That’s a smashed, over-hard cooked egg, stinky French foot cheese, sliced ham, red onion, Siriaca mayo, sliced red capsicum, hot Giardiniera, and neon-green pickle relish on grilled, buttered garlic bagel.
Yum.
Sanjay looks at me through crimson-tinted eyes over his steaming soupçon.
“You’re not human.” He sighs, shaking his head.
“Nope. Never claimed to be. I’m an EtOH-fueled carbon-based lifeform. Take me to your larder!” I guffaw.
Sanjay groans into his morning mug.
Sanjay feels better after he slurps down some coffee and has his morning repast of gnarly looking gruel, Masala oats he tells me. A bit of tatte idli with coconut chutney. A couple of slices of bacon, akki rotti and chutney, some more coffee and he’s looking almost human again.
I grab the morning edition and head to the reading room.
“Call our driver, Sanj, if you would. Give me ten minutes and we’ll roll. First day of school and all that.”
Sanjay gives me the high sign and we rendezvous a bit later in the basement waiting for our ride. I go to fire up a breakfast cigar; a nice, light little Dutch dry-cured.
Sanjay looks at me like a flogged puppy; the whole big soulful eyes routine.
OK, fine. I’ll save that for later.
We arrive at the Barn, or Outbuilding #2, at 0705. The crew will arrive at 0800, and I’ve already got the day planned. I tell Sanjay I’ll be outside having a smoke. He wants to brush up on the day’s activities and bids me a hearty “don’t let the door hit you in the ass.”
Nice.
I’m sitting out in the bright, still morning sun when a tap-tap approaches.
“Dr. Rocknocker?” he asks.
“Sure am”. I reply.
“Please come with me.” he requests.
“Why? Where we going?” I reply.
“Headquarters. There is a request there for you.” He says.
This is odd. They could have called me directly. They could have called Sanjay.
“Oh, well”, I think aloud, “Whatever. When in Alang…”
I get in the tippy little machine and away we race at breakneck speed toward the main building complex.
I tip my driver and wander into the reception area.
The receptionist doesn’t even look up as I enter. She merely points to the boardroom.
“There.” was all she said.
“Thanks.” was my reply.
I trooped over to the boardroom. I look inside after I yank the door open, unannounced. It’s a full house. Standing room only.
I am immediately asked to take a newly vacated seat at the head of the table.
“Coffee, if you please, black”, I reply to the tea boy de jure’s inquiry.
I’m sipping my coffee and the room, previously abuzz with Hindi, goes deathly silent.
“Doctor”, one grizzled old Indian chap says, the Chairman I find out later, “We are pleased you were not injured in yesterday’s activities.”
“I’m rather pleased not to have been killed as well. Thanks, gents” I reply.
“We are also very pleased that none of our young people you recruited were maimed or harmed as well”, he said a shade more darkly.
“OK, I see where this is headed”, I thought to myself.
“Yeah. Ain’t that something?”, I said, gruffly. “Amazing that I could take a squadron of grass-green recruits and defuse a 9-ton company fuckup without so much as a bloody nose. I must really be good. Thank you for the compliment. Wait until you see my bill.”
“That’s just the thing, Doctor…” he continued.
“Yes?” I awaited the inevitable.
“Your methods are…so irregular. So…unorthodox. We are uncertain. That is to say, we are not convinced that you..” he tried to continue before I cut him off.
“Ah, hold the phone, Goodgulf,” I said as I pulled out Emergency Flask #2 and a new Oscuro cigar. “Have you indeed personally read my contract for this little soiree that you’ve invited me to attend?”
“Well, read…no. Skimmed…?”, he choked a bit.
“Ok, Scooter, here’s the deal.” I said to the Chairman, “You’ve got something sticking in your craw. So spill it. I’m not moving from this seat until we get a few issues vodka clear.”
I swore as I lit my new cigar.
There were a few gasps and coughs from the crowd. I blew a large blue smoke ring skyward toward the fluorescent lights.
“Well, Doctor.” One of the other board members continued, “Your contract was for training and teaching our young men in the use of explosives in shipbreaking. It’s been now three days and you haven’t broken a single ship…” he stammered.
“You fuckin’ with me, Bub?” I asked, incredulous, “Do you not know of yesterday’s little field activities?”
“Oh, yes”, he tried to continue, “But we believe you overstepped the strict bounds of your contract…”
“OK. Fine. You believe that all you want. Goodbye.” I snap a natty two-finger salute and proceed to stand to take my leave. “Fwwppp!”
They obviously hadn’t read my force majeure, iron-clad, triple take-or-pay contract.
“Oh. I’ll expect payment before I leave today. Business-class flight tickets or better and remember, payment in full before I go. Good day, gentlemen.”
I stood, readjusted my Stetson, and puffed a huge cloud of Oscuro cigar smoke skyward.
“Now, now, Doctor. Let us not be hasty.” The old fart said.
“Well, you sure as FUCK wanted me to be hasty yesterday when I identified that 9-ton catastrophe waiting to happen out in Sector 4. You didn’t even know it existed much less what to do about it. I hung my ass out over the line and dragged it back in to save your corporate asses. If that motherfucker would have blown, with all that counterfeit C-4, dynamite, ANFO, and fucking Nitronox; the place where you’re sitting right now would be one tall, mothering hole. It’d be littered with uncountable bodies and body parts.” I yelled back.
Each of the board members looked as if they’d just been slapped in the face with a large salt-water cod soaked in lemon juice.
“Doctor! Decorum!”, one of them bickered back.
“FUCK YOUR DECORUM!”, I roared back. “You candy-assed executives sit here and just watch the proles swing by and the money swirl in. Let me tell you something, me ol’ muckers. Get the fuck off your ivory pedestal and get into the trenches and see what it’s really like out there. You may have started in the trenches and clawed your way up here. I doubt it as most of you have never had a blister or broke a sweat. I’m a Goddamned Doctor of Petroleum Geology, I am! I have more degrees than any of you so-called ‘higher-ups’, and I look forward to cultivating blisters and getting all sweaty and nasty. It’s called ‘working for a living’ and being the best in your field. You sorry slack-jawed bastards might want to give it a try sometime. Don’t presume to lecture me on decorum, gentlemen. Let me lecture you on reality and how the fuck the real fucking world really fucking works.”
Utter silence from the whole boardroom. I sat back in my comfortable ergonomic seat, sipped my coffee, and smoked my cigar. I silently wondered who would be the first to break the stillness.
Finally Goodgulf Greyteeth, the original old fart, spoke up, “Ah. Yes, Doctor. Please do not misinterpret our reservations for ingratitude.”
“Not at all”, I replied, “I know you’re good at paying your bills. I do my homework.”
That stung them again. They knew they owed me and my recruits a fucking bundle.
“However, you are an American...” he tried to continue.
“What the flying fuck does that have to do with the price of Ganga in Calicut?” I railed, “You knew that from the onset. Don’t you even fucking dare try to make it a cultural thing. I’ve lived all around the world, Gentlemen; myriad ethnicities in the past 4 decades. I assimilate into a new culture smoother than the COVID-9 virus into a leaky mammal cell-membrane. What else you got?”
More silence. I checked my watch. 0745. I need to get back to the Barn.
“OK, gents. By your silence, I can see that I just terrify you”, I noted, “That’s cool. I have no problem with that. That’s really fine and dandy. However, you are correct: I am an American. I’m brash, I’m loud, and I’m quickly decisive. I smoke, I drink, I swear, I stink. And you know what? I’m damn proud of it. You value decorum? I value results. I don’t ask you to like, investigate, nor critique my methodologies. I ask you to like, investigate, and critique my results. Like yesterday. You’d have shit yourselves and gone blind before you’d screwed up enough courage to go up to that tent yesterday, much less go in and defuse the problem. That’s why I’m here. And until I decide to leave, you stay up here and play with your decorum; just don’t get caught. I’ll be down there and taking care of the fucking business of doing business. When I ask if ‘we’re green’, I mean ‘are we in agreement’. So, are we green, gentlemen?”
There’s an immediate buzz. Machine gun cadence Hindi and finally a unanimous:
“Yes, Doctor. We are green. I’m glad we had this opportunity to talk. Thank you very much for your time.”
“Marvelous”, I replied.
I slurped down the remainder of my coffee, donned my Stetson, and headed for the door.
“Ah, Doctor”, the old grizzled fart said, “No hard feelings, I hope.”
“None from this side”, I replied, “Sorry if you can’t say the same from yours. There is one thing before I go. You will be doing this without question…”
A few tense minutes elapse.
“Until we meet again, then. Ta-ta.” I said to the exasperated board.
One really surly conversation later, I’m out the door, down the steps.
I grab the first tap-tap to happen by and head to the Barn. Upon de-tap-tapping, I give the driver 500 rupees. I was just still so pissed I wanted to get shed of all things Indian at that point.
It was 0800 and I walked in the door.
Deep breath. Suck it up. It’s showtime.
“Morning, guys”, I said cheerily, “I do hope you all survived yesterday intact.”
There were a few groans. I knew that all those empty liquor bottles and half-barrels out by the rubbish tip had to come from somewhere. There were some headaches being nursed here, and they weren’t from nitro this time.
“OK”, I said, “Let’s see. Numbers 8, 14, and 22 are officially not here.” I said, looking at the tote board. “Shame, they will miss out on the juicy bonus information I have for them.”
Suddenly, numbers 8, 14, and 22 appeared as if by magic.
“Oh, lookee. The gang’s all here.” I said cheerfully, “Now we’re all present and accounted for, I have some de-briefing for you from yesterday’s escapades.”
The entire room was in rapt attention.
“First, my hearty and personal thanks to all of you. You performed above and beyond. My personal thanks and approbations.” I said.
There were actually smatters of applause from the assembled.
“OK, enough of that horseshit.” I wave off the applause. “Now the news you were all waiting for. It was rumored that you were to be given a one-time expeditionary bonus of 10,000 rupees for your work yesterday.” I informed them.
There was a buzz.
“What do you mean ‘were to be given’?” came a few gasps.
“Well, it’s like this”, I said, gravely clearing my throat, “I felt that was insufficient, unsatisfactory, and downright insulting. It’s only US$132 and I felt you guys deserved better. So I convinced your bosses to double that figure.”
There were gasps and huzzahs.
I held up a whole hand to silence them.
“However, just this morning they collectively managed to piss me off magnificently. So, now it’s double-double. How’s that?” I asked.
The room erupted. Phones came out to calculate their newfound wealth.
“Gents,” I said, “Put away your phones, you know my classroom rules. It’s US$523.28 Congratulations. You’ve earned every piasa.”
Now there was real applause. The room sort of erupted.
“OK?”, I asked, “Everyone delirious? Good. Because now we’re going to go through your locker boxes and have a locker box inspection!”
Never has the mood in the room done a 180-degree turn so swiftly.
“Sanjay”, I said, “If you would. I need some air.”
Outside I check my messages. Nothing that couldn’t wait. I had a small Dutch dry-cured cigar and a couple of tots from old number 3.
“Locker box go OK?” I asked.
“We’re green, Rock!”, came the reply.
Sanjay shook his head to agree.
“Outstanding”. I replied.
“OK, guys, here’s the deal. After yesterday’s total immersion, we’re going to hit the books for a day or so. Go over some fundamentals. It’s not going to be near as exciting, but it has to be done. So, get out your copy of the Blasters Protocols Handbook and read the first 5 chapters. That will take us to lunch. We will reconvene at 1300 hours and discuss what you just learned. We green?”
“Rock,”, one industrious student asked, “Do we need to stay here and read or can we go out?”
“No”, I replied, “I don’t really care where you do your reading. Because tonight there will be homework, so you may as well get used to it now. See you at 1300 hours. You can stay, as Sanjay and I will be here or go wherever. Go nuts.”
Three-quarters of the room left with their books, the rest remained.
I fielded a couple of calls and Sanjay brushed up on his Blasters Protocols Handbook, 15th edition. I fielded a few questions from the peanut gallery that remained, but by and large, the morning just evaporated.
At noon, we locked up. Sanjay went to lunch, I commandeered at tap-tap and driver. I gave him 500 rupees for the hour.
“Sector 4”, I said, “And don’t spare the electrons.”
He was driving one of those new, environmentally-friendly tap-taps.
Yippee.
Off we putt-putted. I fired up a cigar, offered one to the driver, which he snatched faster than a teen caught by his mother with a copy of Playboy, and had a few tots from old number 2.
We got to the location of the old ammo dump. The tarpaulin and poles had been removed, but not the warning flagpoles and yellow cautionary tape.
Salim was still standing here, looking somewhat confused.
I instructed my driver to tap-tap over to Salim.
“Show’s over, Salim. Thanks for your hard work.” I said.
“Salim tried to keep them out. They say they need tarp. They had to go around the back. Salim would not let them up the path. Doctor Rock say so. Salim make sure.” He smiles.
Hand him a bundle of rupees; got to be over 1,500. He gratefully accepts. He’s once again over the moon.
“Salim”, I asked, “Have you eaten today?”
“No, Doctor”, he replies, “I was at my post. Like you said.”
“OK. I officially relieve you of duty”, I say. I ask the tap-tap driver to get on his phone, radio, or carrier pigeon and get another car over here chop-chop.
A minute or two later, an ancient gas-powered tap-tap appears.
“Driver”, I say to the new cart pilot, “I want you to take Salim here to the commissary. OK?”
He nods agreement as I hand him 100 rupees.
“Salim”, I say, “This cart will take you to the commissary.”
I scribble a note in my tally book, rip it out, and hand it to Salim.
“Give them this. You go get some food and drink, now. Savvy?”
“Oh, yes!” he exclaims, “Salaam! Salim savvy. Thank you, Doctor”, as he tries to shake my arm off.
“No problem.” I said, “Enjoy. Bye now.”
Salim and his driver putt-putts off to the commissary.
I do hope he didn’t stay out here all night.
I walk over to where the tent once stood. The ground looks like a flock of large birds, or a perhaps a constipated dragon, finally had their laxatives kick in. The ground was ash-white, churned horribly, and no longer any form of threat. Hose this area down and within weeks, you’d probably get sneeze grass and wild wildebeest wort growing here again.
I’m such an ardent environmentalist. Yay me.
I get back in the tap-tap and tell the driver to head to the beach along the Road of Yesterday’s Potential Death.
He nods and off we putt.
We tap-tap along, down the sandy trail until the road just ends.
“That’s odd.”, I muse, “I could have sworn there was a road here yesterday.”
There was, however the Nitronox™, all 500 pounds of it, saw to its relocation.
Somewhere out beyond the orbit of Jupiter from the looks of it.
“Holy fuck”, I said internally. I had a slight case of retroactive jibblies as I kind of lost my balance, and shit, for a moment and sat back down, hard, in the vehicle.
“Dead is dead, Chuckles”, I thought to myself. “Be it a puddle of nitro, a stick of soggy dynamite, or this Nitronox shit. Any way you slice it, one errant kaboom and that’s the end. But still…”
I looked out to the hole left from yesterday’s final detonation.
It had to be 175 feet in diameter. Easy. And that’s after the surf’s been chewing on it all night and half the day.
2 tons of dynamite. A ton and a half of ANFO. One and a half tons of C-4. A couple of tons of general cheap-ass generic Chinese explosives.
Nothing compared to a simple 500 pounds of that goddamned thermal liquid binary shit.
I shuddered spontaneously. I asked the driver to take me away from this place. It gave me a feeling of impending doom as if there were some unexploded Nitronox lurking around out there. Stalking through the night, searching for the one who did their comrades in…
I’ve got to lay off those cheesy 1950s B-movies late at night.
We putted over to the commissary. My breakfast bagel cratered long ago and I was a bit peckish. I invited the driver in for lunch. He first adamantly refused, but I told him he’d be fine with me, and besides, it was my treat. He parked so fast, I thought he’d glaze his brakes.
I had a glass of that lovely mixed fruit juice and some sort of Indian grilled meat on a stick. I think it was tandoori chicken, buzzard, something or other avian, but it was actually very tasty. Especially with the crushed garlic dipping sauce, they provided. The garlic naan bread was particularly good. I could offend people for miles after a lunch like this.
I had my juiced juice and three skewers of grilled whatever and was quite satisfied. My driver, who was easily 1/3rd my size, had 5 skewers of grilled avian whatever, tabbouleh, a stack of naan, grass salad, hummus, a couple of meat pies, and glass after glass of what was either buttermilk or laban.
I had to look under the table to see if he was stashing some for later. He wasn’t. This guy could eat like a starving trencherman. Must have had a couple of hollow legs.
I told him I need to get back to the barn for school was about to begin for the afternoon. He starts shoveling it in faster and faster.
“No, no. Wait one!” I said, “You stay here and enjoy lunch. I need to walk back anyways, I need the exercise. It’s all paid for. Take all you want but eat all you take.”
He smiled back at me with sticky meat-glaze all over his face.
“Groovy.”, I said, “Later.”
I walked briskly out the door, down the stairs and back to the Barn.
We spent the rest of the afternoon going over the different classes of explosives: high, medium, and low. I gave examples of each and their particular uses. We then went over different fusing methods; from set-pull-forget to demo wire and a blasting machine. Blasting machines like the Old Reliable plunger-type; now sorry to say, obsolete. And the new Captain America electronic type.
I spent some time tripping down memory lane regaling them with tales of wind up detonators, Twist-Off detonators, cannon fuse you lit with a match, match lights you lit off with a lighter and myriad other ways to get explosives off their dead asses and go to work.
1700 hours hove into view quickly. I assigned chapters 6-12 for tomorrow and said “Adios” for the evening. It had been another long, but not quite as deadly, day. I need the phone, to update my field notebooks and dossiers, make come calls, and sprawl around in the Jacuzzi like a beached graying narwhal for a few hours.
Not necessarily in that order.
Back at the Raj, Sanjay disappeared to make his notes for the next day.
I stopped by the bar, surprise, surprise, and Butler 214 magically appeared. These guys were quick studies. He handed me a selection of cigars he chose personally. He would like to know what I thought of each the next day.
“Yes, sir!”, I said.
I think he actually cracked a small smile.
I sidled over to the bar and had the Bejesus scared out of me by the little attendant who was invisible down behind the bar, tending the taps on the draft beer.
“Yes, sir, Doctor”, he smiled widely, as he pops up like an Aarav-in-the-box. “What is your pleasure?”
“An all-expenses-paid year-long vacation at Milton Lake Lodge, Saskatchewan?”
He just looked at me quizzically.
“OK. I’d like a pint of cold draft Boris Brew Vikingathor if you please. Plus 100, no, 200 milliliters of Old Fornicator Vodka.”
As if by magic, they both appeared.
The Dark 8.2% beer went down without so much as a hint of a fight. The Old Fornicator scrapped a bit, at first.
I had him prepare me a to-go package that I could take to my room.
“Oh, no sir!”, he said.
“What?” I roared.
“No, sir. Just call 215 on your room phone. I will bring it to your room personally. Service available 24/7”, he smiled.
“See what you miss when you don’t pay attention?”, I smiled and slipped him 500 rupees.
“Mea culpa”, I said, “It’s been a couple of really long days.” I dragged off to my room.
“Calgon, take me away” could be heard filtering through the cracks in my room as the water splashed.
Afterward, feeling less marine mammal and slightly more human, I call Esme. I give her a Reader’s Digest version of what’s been going on the last couple of days.
She’s blasé about the whole situation. Remember, she’s had 39 years’ worth of me going to strange, foreign places, and getting into all sorts of odd situations. She was particularly pleased that neither my recruits nor I were killed, maimed, or otherwise inconvenienced.
Besides, she said she’d kill me if I came home dead.
Funny thing is, I truly think she means it.
I profess my love, tell her about my really healthy bonus package. I endure the shrill “Squeee!” of her telling her mother they’re going shopping again today.
She always has been the moral, ethical, and economic center of our family. I love her so for that.
Next on the roster was a collect call to Virginia and my agency buddies.
“Hey, guys”, I say, “How are things in the clean world? Still locked down?”
“Hello, Rock”, Rack and Ruin say in unison. They have me on speakerphone, even though they know how much I hate those things.
“Take me off that damn loudspeaker”, I demand.
“Nope, it’s breakfast time here and we need both hands free.” They riposte.
“You know that I know certain people, right…?” I said ominously.
They just chuckle.
That really hurt.
“Anyways. What’s up?” I re-interrogate.
“Well, we hear you’re really making waves over there. Literally and figuratively.” They say.
“Yeah. Business as more or less usual. Prosaic, boring, and spine-tinglingly dangerous. Another day in the life…” I yawn.
“That’s not what we heard”, Agent Rack replies.
“Oh? What have you heard?” I ask.
“We have heard of tales of recklessness and heroics regarding some 18,000 pounds of dodgy Chinese wholesale munitions.” He continued.
“Oh, that? Yeah. A spot of bother. No worries. We sorted it out.” I replied.
“About that. You took 24 green cadets with you to defuse a smoldering 9-ton ammo dump?” Ruin wondered.
“Yep. Good chaps. I think they’re going to work out just fine.” I said.
“Ah, Doctor. We want to let you know we’ve investigated your role in the last couple of days' activities over there. True, you are a private contractor, but Agent Ruin and I have put you in for an Agency citation. For valor and initiative above and beyond the call.” Agent Rack tells me.
“Whoa. Groovy! What’s that worth on eBay?” I ask, immediately running the solemn moment.
“You asshole!”, both agents laugh.
“Hey, it’s me. A leopard can’t change his spots or so goes the old story.” I snicker.
“And Doctor Rocknocker, we’d have no other way.” They agreed.
“Thanks. I appreciate the sentiment.”, I stated.
“OK, now all that fluff and circumstance is out of the way, what news have you for us?” Agent Rack enquires.
I give them the lowdown on some of the more promising students, especially Viswamitra Dattachaudhuri. I tell them that due to our vetting process, we’ve run the selected bunch through the wringer three times before they receive their numbered brass tags. I explain that it seems to be a good system. I’ll write it up in great and glorious detail in case anyone else wants to try and apply it themselves.
Scribbling can be heard down the line. I ask if they’re ready for more.
“There’s more?”, Agent Ruin asks, “You bucking for a promotion now to go along with your citation?”
“Hush, you.”, was all I said.
I told him of my run-in with the board of directors and Goodgulf Greyteeth, the headmaster of that special education class.
“Did you really tell the entire board to go ‘piss up a rope’?” Rack asks.
“That was the least of what I said to them.” I chuckled. “I swore, I stomped, I cursed, I fumed. I went full American on their flabby asses.”
“Not ‘full American’?” Rack recoiled verbally in horror.
“Yep. With itchweed clusters.” I chortled.
“Well, there goes that offer of Ambassadorship for our Dr. Rocknocker.” Ruin laughs.
“Bah! They couldn’t pay me enough”, I quipped.
“Oh, you’d be surprised.” Agent Ruin replied.
“Holy shit.”, I thought, “Were they being serious?”
“So, Doctor. We would appreciate full dossier profiles on those people you feel would be of interest to us here. You know the parameters we use to determine that. We trust your judgment.” Agent Ruin says.
“What’s this? A sudden brush-off? Or has your coffee gone cold?” I ask.
“Anyone ever tell you you’re very intuitive, Doctor? Bye now.” Agent Rack chuckles and rings off.
“Why do I let myself continue working with these guys?” I wonder to myself.
The next morning, after breakfast, Sanjay and I are back at the Barn at 0715. There is a knock on the door. It’s a courier and he has a message for me.
“Please accompany the courier to Warehouse 11.” was all the note said.
“Sanjay”, I said, “Hold down the fort. I’ve been summoned.”
“Got it, Rock. Chapters 6-12?” he asks.
Yep. Basic stuff. Really hammer it home. I’ll be back as soon as I can.” I said and followed the unsmiling transport driver cum courier.
I pull out a cigar and off him one. He refuses politely. I offer him 200 rupees for his troubles. He accepts politely. We’re off in a cloud of blood-red dust and headed for Warehouse 11.
I meet Mr. Bana Padhya, the foreman of this warehouse.
“Doctor”, he says as we shake hands.
“Good to meet you. ‘Bana’ is it?” I ask.
“Yes, sir”, he replies.
“OK, Bana. Call me ‘Rock’.” I say.
“Fine. Dr. Rock, your bunker is finished. In fact, it’s already being populated.” He beams.
I feel a chill in the still tropical air.
“Please explain,” I asked simply.
“We finished the bunker you requested and designed. After that, we retrieved the materials from your adventures with the munitions tent the other day. We have placed those materials you had buried into the bunker. Please, let me show you.” He insists.
I breathe a bit easier. I remembered the Primacord that we salvaged. My heart rate dropped back down from hummingbird mode.
We rode out about 5 minutes and there, built into the side of a sandhill was a very respectable set of locked blast doors. I look and see the cross-braced sub-structure supporting the roof as well as providing ventilation.
They actually did follow my designs.
Mr. Bana escorts me to the doors. He twirls a knob, twiddles with a lever, diddles a keypad, produces a huge key, and proceeds to open the bunker.
We walk right in. I have to admit, I was impressed.
10 meters by 10 meters square and 4 meters or so tall. All built out of doubly-rebar reinforced concrete and cinderblocks. There was a strong forced-air draft running through the place, circulating air in from the top to bottom and out again. A digital readout on one bulkhead noted the time, date, temperature, and humidity. All this data was being recorded and could be downloaded at the terminal under the readout.
There were shelves, lockers, and lockable cupboards. There were keypads that allow or prohibit access to the more lockable storage sub-facilities. Over along the west wall is spool after spool of Primacord. It looks like it might still be useable, but until I give it the once over, I ask it to be locked behind closed doors.
They have fire suppression built-in as well as some sort of Asian faux-Halon system they had laying around gathering dust. That wasn’t in the original plans, but, hey, it can’t hurt.
I walk around and give the place the once over.
“Not bad”, I say, “Not too bad at all.”
I walk outside. Looking at the roof, I see a potential problem.
“Bana”, I say, “Get some of your guys before another single stick of anything is stored here. Get them on the roof and clear away all that sand.”
“But, Doc…Rock”, he protested, “Sand is heavy and when wet, will be a most beneficial addition to containing any blast if something should happen.”
“That defeats the purpose of my design”, I reply, “See those X-shaped cross-braces up there just under the roof?”
“Yes.”
“They are there not just for ventilation, but as structural support for the blast roof.” I said.
He looks at me quizzically.
“The way it works is this:”, I say, “If there’s an accident, the solid double-reinforced and sand-braced walls and blast-doors will contain the blast energy. Now, that energy has to go someplace, right? So I planned for it to go straight up. The roof is split cross-wise, petal-shaped. 4 petals will open like the eggs in the original Alien. They will peel back, on hinges connected to the X-shaped cross-members, and allow all that blast energy to go straight up and dissipate, without hurting anyone or anything.”
“Amazing”, was Mr. Bana’s reply. He assured me the roof sand would be removed immediately.
“Outstanding “, I replied, shook his hand, and got into the tap-tap for the ride back to the Barn.
“DOCTOR!” Mr. Bana yelled before we took off.
“You might want these.” He says as he hands me the procedure, codes, and my own keys for the blockhouse.
“Of course. Many thanks, Mr. Bana” I reply as we take off in a flurry of dust and good feelings for once.
Back at the Barn, Sanjay is going over Chapter 9 and I walk in.
“Ok, gentlemen. Break time.” Sanjay announces. “Be back here in 30.”
The room empties almost immediately.
“Well, Rock”, Sanjay asks, “What was that all about?”
“Good news for a change”, I am and show him the procedures, codes, and keys for the blockhouse. “We now have a fully functional explosives bunker. Now, all we need is some explosives. Oh, we do have that Primacord you guys buried in the sand the other day.”
“That is good news.” Sanjay reports, “Oh, I got a note the air packs you ordered have arrived.”
“They actually found the 3M™ Scott™ Air-Pak™ X3™ SCBA gear I wanted?” I asked.
“They had to go through the military to find them. The military, by the way, was a bit annoyed that you wouldn’t use their air packs”, he added.
“If I’m going to teach these characters how to go into a dodgy atmosphere; potentially poisonous, or otherwise hazardous, and survive, I want gear with which I’m familiar. Scott? Oh, yeah. Indian military? Not so much.” I explained.
“What’s so good about Scott?” Sanjay asked.
“Well, it’s been around forever”, I say, “It’s the brand of choice in the Oil Patch. Plus, they come with CGA or Snap-Change cylinder connection, they’re available in 2.2, 4.5, or 5.5 cylinder pressures, have dual-redundant pressure reducers, a new back frame contour design with articulating shoulder harness, possess improved hose and wire management, have optimally positioned "buddy" lights, "External" HUD for easy air status updates of the team, Vibralert tactile alarm and best of all, they’re made in the U.S.A.”
“OK, you’ve sold me. I’ll take a dozen.” Sanjay laughs.
“Laugh all you want. When things get weird, the weird turn pro and wear Scott air packs.” I laugh back.
Sanjay smiles. He knows that I’m joking as well as being serious. ‘Eh, it’s a gift.
“Have them roll the entire list over to the bunker. Plenty of room there to store them. We’ll start tomorrow on their care and feeding with the guys.” I said.
The regular crowd shuffles in, move their brass markers to the proper spots on the tote board and I notice an unfamiliar customer hanging around the back of the room.
“Sanjay”, I say, “Handle this for me for a while. I think I’ve got another message waiting.”
“Sure, Rock”, Sanjay says, “We’re just going over black powder and its historical uses. Nothing too mission-critical.”
“Great”, I say, and pat him on the shoulder. “Make it interesting.”
I motion to the guy in the back to meet me outside.
I am outside firing up a heater and he walks up to me and asks, “Are you Doctor Rocknocker?”
“Ah! Let me check.”, I say. I pull out my wallet and look, “Yep. That’s me.”
Not as much as a smile.
“Please sign here.” He instructs.
I sign and ask “What is this?”
“It’s for Dr. Rocknocker.” He says, turn heel, and walks rapidly away.
“Well, that was weird.” I think. I pull out my Neutral European Country Military-issue Knife and Pocket Tool Set and zip the heavy envelope open.
It’s from Dynamo-Noble.
“Hurrah!” I think. A real munitions and explosives manufacturer and wholesaler.
It’s a ticked manifest of everything I had ordered previously!
• Du Pont Herculene 60% Extra Fast!
• Pure metallurgical-grade ammonium nitrate!
• Trojan® GEOPRIME® blasting caps and millisecond delay super-boosters!
• Blastex Composition C-4! Real C-4!
• Biterox safety blasting caps and fuse.
• Ensign-Bickford Brand Primacord – Primaline 85!
• Eurenco PETN!
• Eastman Chemical Company RDX!
• Professional Demolition International demolition wire!
• ‎EPC-UNIVERSAL EXPLOSIVES Detonation cord!
• Oil Well Explosives Gelatin Nitroglycerin Dynamite )some of which might go in my personal collection.)
• And NO! Nitronox™!
It’s like Christmas, Hanukkah, and Kwanzaa all in May. It’s the first real good thing to happen this beleaguered year.
“Me so happy!”
I look deeper. The C-4, dynamite, Primacord, Det cord, caps, boosters, and fuse are already here. I need to call and supervise their loading into the new bunker.
The rest is en route and should be here within 2-3 days.
That’s cutting it close but will have to do.
At least, I’ve got some old friends to play with now.
Those kids have no idea what’s just hit.
I rub my hands together in barely contained glee. I feel like a kid in a candy store with a brand new Mastercard.
Back in class, I tell my students that we will meet after lunch over at the new bunker. I have Sanjay get on the phone to Mr. Maya. We’re going to need the magic bus once again.
After lunch, I’m sitting in the shade outback of Outbuilding #2. I’m having a post-prandial smoke, a tot or two, and Sanjay is almost at the point where he got enough dander up to ask me for a cigar.
Suddenly we hear the raucous strains of Bollywood music.
It’s Mr. Maya and his Magic Bus!
The bus coughs to a stop, and Mr. Maya gets out.
“How are you today, Sir?” I ask, shaking his hand. “Added some paint to the old motor coach, have we?”
“Oh, yes, Dr. Rock”, he smiles, “With Sanjay’s payment and your bonus, I could buy many new colors. Like I say, I never know when to quit.” He chuckles.
The bus was covered with a pattern of startling hues, ranging from schizoid red to psychopathic azure, post-traumatic stress purple to exhibitionist green, bipolar brown to obsessive-compulsive cerulean. It added a bit of color to an otherwise drab environment.
“We’ll load up right after lunch”, I said.
We sit and swap some stories, and I decide it’s warm enough for another Tiger. Sanjay calls a number on his phone and suddenly, a courier arrives.
He has a small lunch-box sized cooler. Inside are 4 iced Tigers.
Sanjay refuses to give me that number.
I’m enjoining the light, pilsnery taste of the Tiger as is Mr. Maya. This stuff’s so light, you need to tie it down or it’ll float away.
My team is filtering back after lunch. I look and see it’s getting close to that time.
Precisely at 1300 hours, we all hear and feel a small boom, a tongue of unctuous black smoke licks the sky, and a siren is screaming its tonsils out.
“Post lunch back-to-work cannon and whistle?” I ask.
“No, Rock”, Sanjay replies anxiously, “There’s been an accident in the yard…
To be continued…

DEMOLITION DAYS, PART 93

CHOP CHOP CHOP CHOP CHOP CHOP CHOP
“OK”, I think to myself, “We’re traveling at 120 knots, due wet, i.e., offshore, in a vintage BELL 412 SP/EP. Yep. Oh now look: 121 knots.”
So far, so good.
“No compass. Radiotelephone was non-responsive. VHF, HF, and UHF radios are all kaput.” I note, “We’re tailgating behind another newer crew transport helicopter because we’re carrying specialty bespoke hyper-magnetic logging and retrieval tools. Of course, no chopper’s that shielded against magnetic flux of that magnitude.”
I spy a blood-red, rapidly flashing warning light blinking merrily “1-2 AHRS FAIL”. This warning light’s blinking, meaning all electronic helicopter heading information and guidance was completely lost.
But, we expected that, right?
Now, I’m certified to fly rotary wing aircraft as I have over 1,500 hours of stick and rudder time, and a US/Russian license. But there’s the rub, we’re not in the US. Oddly enough, I can fly choppers in Mother Russia. It might be time to let my employers know this fact. With my dual license, I’d just have to send the properly-acknowledged documents to the proper ministry.
That fact alone would give my sponsors the jibblies if I only would let on…
We’re currently thrashing the hot and humid summer air into submission about 300 meters above the Persian Gulf just offshore of a very small GCC Arabic peninsular country known as Qutur, headed for their Norse Field. It is the world’s largest non-associated gas field (Reinick & Blandings, 1997), meaning its reservoirs contain only natural gas and no oil, but they do contain condensate.
Why? Because I’m the goddamned Chief Geologist out here, and the cement-headed drillers twisted off the BHA, or bottom hole assembly, at 27,459 feet measured along hole; as the well was a long-reach lateral. It wasn’t horizontal nor vertical, but approximately 45⁰ along the trajectory when the driller fell asleep, was out getting a blowjob or doing something other than watching the goddamn Martin-Decker; the big gauge that indicates the weight on the bit at the bottom of the hole.
The torque built, the BHA stopped spinning, the mud system clabbered up, the bit and mud motor along with the directional gear seized up and snapped right the fuck off the drill string.
Now I have a ‘fish’ at the bottom of an over 5-mile deep hole and I can’t latch on, in, or over the damned thing. And the fuck if I’m spending the money in sidetracking around the fucking fish. Bottom hole temperatures here are reaching ‘HELL’, or Hostile Environment Logging Level and are HPHT, High Pressure, High Temperature, intensities of over 175⁰ C and pressures in excess of 25K psig bottom hole in the Kruff Formation of Permocarboniferous age.
Plus there’s H2S, CO2, and nasty ol’ nitrogen. N2 forms noxious and toxic compounds with down-hole gasses and oils, and loads of high-API gravity (60⁺⁾ hot, high-pressure condensate.
I’d rather spend some time with a tricked out, high-powered, ‘rip your fillings out if you’re Slavic’ high intensity, ubermegagauss fishing magnet and go in with a ream and junk basket to try and drill it up. Rather than have to drop a cement plug, set a whipstock, back off the hole, come up a few thousand feet, and start a new trajectory over the fish.
Another fun fact of which I was somehow denied knowledge was that local, intense thunderstorms were predicted for this part of the Persian Gulf today.
So, I’m with my pilot de jure, Dasharath Phuyal, late of the Royal Nepalese Air Force, Pro Station, and Tire Salon.
“Dash”, I ask, “We’re you excepting any weather today?”
“Umm,” he replies, querulously, “No Doctor. We checked the weather radar and it was clear.”
“What weather radar?” I inquired. Qutur doesn’t have any of their own yet, particularly those of the Doppler^® variety.
“The one from Dubai”, he says.
“And when was this?”, I asked.
“Oh, late last night”, he smiles back at me.
”Just watch that chopper in front of us”, I grumble, “Last night? You do know things tend to change a bit quickly out here…”
I never got to finish that sentence as I was rudely interrupted by a huge clap of thunder.
The sturdy, but timeworn, airframe of the Bell helicopter juddered, shimmingly and shakily.
“Ooh-whee!”, Dash whoops, “That was a close one.”
I reminded Dash that I was much closer and he should pay more attention to the job at hand rather than whooping up our impromptu roller coaster ride.
Luckily, the water here in the Gulf isn’t that deep, is bath-tub warm, and while it is home to some nasty, toothy critters, it’s not like being dumped in the South Atlantic around Cape Town in August.
Still, going for a swim after escaping a drowning helicopter just wasn’t on my list of fun things to do today; and I wanted to keep it that way. I mean, we do have to get our THUET, or Tropical Helicopter Underwater Escape Training, certificate. It’s an annual good time. I’ve been through it over 20 times, but novices and tyros really get grumpley and pukey once the mock-up of the chopper spins upside down and ker-splashes into the cold pool water.
I just sit in my seat, slowly undo my restraints and watch to see if anyone is in real trouble. Sure, they have rescue divers all around, but sometimes they are distracted by a full-load of novice characters losing their collective shit and lunch. I like to help out when I can. I’m no savage.
We also have to obtain T-BOSIET (Tropical Basic Offshore Safety Induction & Emergency Training), Basic Hydrogen Sulfide (H2S), T-FOET (Tropical Further Offshore Emergency Training), Compressed Air Emergency Breathing System (CA-EBS) and Travel Safely by Boat (TSbB) certifications. They just don’t let any breed of dummy out on an active offshore platform. You have to be a dummy that can stay awake through hours and hours of boring droning instructors.
I am one of the very few that also hold an AHUET, or Arctic Helicopter Underwater Escape Training, certificate. That’s a very cool time as well.
Anyways, we’re being slammed around like the last squash ball in the tin. It’s not raining yet, but there’s thunder, lightning, waves, and teeth-rattling thunderous repercussions of storm shock waves rebounding off the warm, Gulf waters.
It’s weird, but in the north, you get some severe summer and fall thunderstorms. All you need to watch out for is lightning, downward, and lateral thunder-shock waves, and rain. But out here, you get all that and the added bonus of thunder-induced shock waves rebounding off the warm waters of the Gulf, upward. It can drop your craft into the water just as certain as an angry downdraft can.
“So, Dash.”, I say, “We’re going to try and avoid any of that today, right?”
Dash ignores me as it’s raining now like a cow peeing on a flat rock and the wipers aren’t doing such a good job keeping up with clearness. Considering we’re probably 50 or so feet behind another helicopter, our safety guide, that margin for safety could go away almost instantaneously.
He’s sweating like a blind lesbian in a fish market, striving to keep the tail rotor of the helo in front of us just out of our reach and just within visible range. I decide I’ll read him the riot act later, once we are safely landed on the platform.
This goes on for a few minutes more when suddenly, the rig pops into view and the sun breaks through the roiling, cloudy deck.
But first, there are some protocols that must be satisfied:
These procedures will be based on the following requirements, or equivalent, which define when an approach is considered stabilized:
a. The aircraft is on the correct flight path and the correct navigational data has been confirmed as entered into the navigation system for final approach to the desired airport, heliport, or helideck and the aircraft is stabilized for the approach.
b. Only small changes in heading/power are normally required to maintain the correct flight path, unless the environmental conditions on a particular day may require power changes larger than normal.
c. All briefings and checklists have been completed, except for the final landing check.
d. The aircraft is in the correct landing configuration.
e. The sink rate is no greater than 750 fpm upon arrival at the altitudes prescribed below, or as recommended by the manufacturer. If an approach will require a rate of descent greater than 750 feet per minute, a special briefing should be conducted.
f. All flights should be stabilized by 1000 feet above landing elevation in IMC and by 500 feet above landing elevation in VMC unless the following flight profiles are in use:
– For helicopters where the transit height is less than500 feet above landing elevation, the aircraft should be stabilized by 300 feet and 60 knots ground speed above the landing surface.
– For some operations, such as seismic work involving a high level of low altitude external load operations and remote landing sites where it is necessary to complete an overhead flight reconnaissance before landing the typical profile may require modification by the operator.
g. Anytime an approach becomes “unstabilized” (out of compliance with the above guidelines) a go-around / missed approach should be executed immediately unless the operator has established a limited number of deviation protocols that can be safely used to return to the stabilized profile.
i. Once the approach minimums (altitude, time, etc.) are achieved the correct airport, heliport, and helideck are confirmed.
OK, got all that? Good, you have 5 minutes and you’re traveling along at 123 knots just 250’ off the deck, with no instruments or compass. It’s raining, blustery and the wave tops are seemingly slopping over your toes.
GO!
We plop down gracelessly on the helipad and I’m glad Dash was stickhandling it today; as he immediately goes through the shut-down procedures.
Guess I’ll need to buy him a beer rather than chew him out when we get back to shore.
I hit the klaxon and several logging company hands run over to the helipad. I tell them to wait until the chopper’s secured and then they can drag that fucking magnetic tool off the bird and over to the drill floor.
Once we do a little cuttin’ and chewin’, we’re going magnet fishing 5 miles deep.
I go over to the doghouse, a steel-sided shelter that serves as the onsite office, communications center, rig top command center, tool and safety equipment storage, first aid station, and extreme weather shelter.
And my fucking active drilling office.
“WHOOT! WHEET!” someone yanks the alarm when I appear on the rig floor. “Boss man’s here. Everyone quit fuckin’ up for a while!” The horn is only local, on the drill floor. It doesn’t resonate back through the rig very far.
The drill floor is immaculate, as it should be. We haven’t cut a foot of new hole in the last week. I give everything a quick visual and everything seems to be in order. A floor hand arrives instantly with a mug of hot black coffee for me.
“No, you can’t go home early, Jake”, I say, “But thanks large for the java.”
Jake looks slightly depressed, but every time he hits 11 or 12 days on his 14-day hitch, things start happening at home. Dog’s pregnant, wife’s pregnant, Uncles dead, Granma’s dead; half the family’s dead and the other half are pregnant.
Every single fucking hitch.
And Jake’s not even married.
Into the doghouse, my chair is still warm as it the monitor for my workstation.
“I find the asshole that’s been accessing PornHub through my workstation and he’s or she’s shark bait. The cocksucker never leaves the unblocked URL so we can visit the website.” I growl.
The internet is a dodgy thing in the Middle East. All of a sudden, international instant access to porn, ideas, forbidden subjects, and well, you name it. It’s a hilarious cat-and-mouse race to watch one group try and block all the nasties and the other group finding easy ways around the blockages.
Still happens today, but with VPNs and such, the Ministries of Censorship just gave up. They went back to hand-coloring British Women’s magazines that show too much thigh or cleavage in the summer swimsuit issues.
It is such a weird place.
I call a meeting with the section heads and everything’s about ready for go. I give the OK and we’re tripping back in the hole with a concave cone-buster reamer and going down some 5 miles to chew up a metal bottom hole assembly. After that, we’ll run-in with the magnets and junk basket. Hopefully, in a day or three, we’ll have the hole clear, circulated, conditioned and ready for drilling again.
Tripping back in the hole some 5 miles means running in some 400 or so stand of ‘tribbles’ or three-30 foot (10 meter) sections of drill pipe already screwed together, or made up. We will need to make another 399 connections and RIH, run in the hole before we even arrive at Fish Central.
So, I’m off to the head; ‘chopper potty’ is not a joke. One tends to get sequentially homogenized on long trips and your bladder takes a harmonic beating. It’s not at all pleasant.
Then some chow, a movie, maybe the gym, and off on the platform to the back smoking area. No hurry, I’ve got at least 24-36 solid hours of boredom in front of me.
Before I go, I give Esme a call and see if she has any further information on Lady and her travels. She was supposed to meet us here and start her short quarantine period before she could join us; even though we’re still at the hotel. The company we’re paying huge sums of money to handle her transition are being royal pains in the ass. Nothing but excuses.
“She got a late start. No room for a dog that big on the flight booked.” Sounds sketchy as hell.
“She’s so big, we needed to have a new travel carrier constructed for her.” Ka-ching! Another call for more money.
“She got stuck in Zurich. She’s fine and will be here shortly.” “Zurich?” She was to go from Houston to London to Duhu.
Esme answers the phone.
Not a single word was spoken. I knew right from the start there was trouble.
“Es, it’s me. I made it to the rig OK. What’s the problem? Are you OK? The kids alright?” I asked.
“Oh, Rock”, Es cries, “I’m fine. The kids are fine. Lady’s dead.”
The shock hit me like a direct lightning-bolt strike and an immediate in-chest thunderclap. I actually thought someone lit off the flare boom directly behind me.
“Es”, I stammered, “What happened? Plane crash? Terrorists? Economy class chow?”
“No, Rock”, she sniffed, “Brown recluse spider.”
“What?” I spluttered.
“According to the assholes to whom we’re paying so much money, Lady was in a “climate-controlled” warehouse waiting on her flight out of Texas. She was being walked, fed, and watered on a regular basis. Just before her flight, they went to walk her and she was ‘unresponsive’.” They said.
“They let my dog, my boon companion, my children’s best friend, die in some overheated Texas warehouse from a motherfucking spider bite?” I roared.
My mind went into overdrive. I could snake the chopper and be at the international airport in less than 2 hours. Wheedle up a flight to London or Amsterdam, then one to Houston. I could be kicking the shit out of these assholes in less than 36 hours.
“Es”, I ask, much more angry that sad; as that would come later, “What do you want me to do?”
“Rock”, Es sniffles, “As much as I’d like you to go back to Texas and blow the fuckers up, I’m afraid it is what it is. There isn’t much we can do, in fact, nothing will bring Lady back. They already got her to Dr. Tom Nokhoi (our vet in Houston) who will handle the red tape. I’ll tell the kids tonight,” Es continues”, “But if you could call Dr. Bob, our family attorney, and let him know what happened, I’m certain he’ll make their lives not worth living from here on out.”
“Es”, I stammer, “I never said I was sorry to you about all this. I apologize deeply. Guess I’m not hitting on all 12 cylinders. I’ll get Dr. Bob going after these assholes. He’ll have their guts for garters. I’ll be home in a few days, or sooner if you want.”
“No, Rock”, Es rationalizes, “You have your job to do. I have mine. Don’t be surprised if you come home and we now have a pony, a new aquarium, a herd of gerbils, and a kitten or three.”
“Whatever it takes, “ I reply, “The kids will be devastated. They’ve known her…all…their…lives…Oh, fuck. This is a shitstorm on so many levels. Let me get after its wild ass and turn Dr. Bob loose on them.” Right now, the idea of Dr. Bob chewing on their metaphorical and economic asses…well, that’s the only thing that is giving me any sort of solace.
“OK, Rock”, Es sniffs, “I’ll take care of the home front, you release the Dr. Bob on these assholes. Stay safe. Come home to us in one piece. Love you.” She sighs and signs off.
I am beyond pissed. Past furious. Way past livid. I’ll let Dr. Bob take whatever he can get from these asswipes. The money doesn’t matter. I want revenge. A reckoning. Vengeance. Reprisal. Retribution, not restitution.
I sic Dr. Robert ‘Bob’ Roberts, JD, Esquire, of Kingwood, Texas on them. He knew something was askew when I called him at 0300 hours. He really liked Lady. He’s going to make these assholes an example for the Texas Law Journal. Or the Houston Chronicle obituaries.
Beyond that, there’s not much I can do. I wander back to the smoking area on the backside of the rig, pull out my secret flask, and a new cigar. I finished both solo to Lady’s memory. I didn’t even go to my office nor check-in, I was so pissed off. The important people knew I was here, that was enough for the time being.
I know one should adhere to the rules of the rig and out here, 125 miles from the coast in an Arab land, ‘no alcohol on the rig’ is pretty much a given.
Guess they need a real introduction to the Motherfucking Pro from Dover.” Besides, this time, it’s medicinal. Either that or I break into the explosives locker and I begin to blow up shit until I feel better. Guess which one will probably take fewer lives?
In the doghouse again, we’re back on bottom with the custom-made mill I had custom fabricated in Texas, and we’re grinding away. What we’re doing is sensu stricto not legal, as we’re chewing up the LWD/MWD, Logging While Drilling/Measuring While Drilling tools, and they carry some radioactive sources.
In the States, in the event of a loss involving a radioactive source, the tool and hole must be filled with cement, plugged, and abandoned to safely entomb the sources. These sources are infinitesimal amounts of Americium-241, and Cesium-242, much like what is found in commercial smoke detectors.
But, the stuff we’re currently turning into expensive metallic confetti is 5 miles deep in the earth and with a half-life of just 150-5,000 years. It ain’t never, no way, going to make it back to surface. We just keep calm and carry on grinding.
Drill, grind, shred. POOH, pull out of hole, run in hole with the magnet, and junk basket, energize, and POOH. Rinse and repeat. Finally, we’re making some headway until we hit the tungsten carbide insert drill bit.
These are usually classified as ‘undrillable’. Lose one of them, and it’s Sidetrack City.
Usually ain’t no other fuckin’ way around them.
Or is there?
I have them C&C the well, that is, circulate and condition the hole, so it’s stable top to bottom and not stratified; the mud column in the well is homogeneous in nature. Then we POOH again and I’ve got this cunning plan. Stick a tail on it and you could call it a fox.
If we can’t drill up the bit, perhaps we can just nudge it out of the way. We can steer our bottom hoe assembly, so maybe a push downward…It’s like hitting an oncoming asteroid. You don’t have to destroy the thing, just deflect it a mite. If we can literally shove it out of the way a few feet, we can slide by with the new Bottom Hole Assembly, save days and days of rig time, at some US$1.85 million/per 24-hour period, and get back to drilling.
I have the floor hands rig up a special BHA of my own design: a heavy, concave-faced lead impression block at the front, then hydraulic jars, shock sub, heavyweight drill pipe, and remex crossover sub that connects to the drill pipe.
It’s not ‘elegant’, basically a power hammer with a steerable trajectory. But, we get onto that bit and get good contact, we might just be able to hammer and power slide that SOB out of the fucking way.
It’s worth a try.
So, we RIH, run in the hole, and down the obligatory 5 miles until we make contact. We achieve what seems like a good seat and try to slide under just the weight of 24,000+ feet of drill pipe; over 1.65 million pounds of hook-load.
We’re blocked.
OK, that’s fine. That means the lead impression block is molding around the bitter end of the bit like a custom hand-in-leather glove. Now when we apply the hydraulic horsepower, it’ll have to move forward. Give a little more juice left or right, up or down and we should be able to steer it out of the way.
We can’t just build a ‘hump’ in the well path around the bit. With sliding, reciprocating, and rotation, that’d be what we in the industry call ‘a bad thing’. It would key seat, wear preferentially and cut holes in drill pipe and casing…just causing all sorts of grief.
So. We need to steer it out of the way of the pre-ordained well path and hammer it the fuck out of the way. We’ll pull back, drop some cement in the bottom of the hole, trip back in and drill our way back on target.
Jarring and hammering with the rig is a slow, tedious prospect. Keeping an eye on all parameters, more so than usual. If you inadvertently punch into a sub-seismic fault zone, an area of overpressure, or a high-pressure gas zone, you could well and truly be fucked.
So, it’s a slow, deliberate go. I personally run the show for the first 15 hours until I’m certain we’re off the predetermined well path and the bit’s being stuffed off to Bolivia, or Greenland or… I don’t care where just the fuck out of the way.
I hand the rig over to the rig superintendent and tell him that unless anything funny happens, we’ll keep hammering and pushing until 0800 hours. That way, the bit will be out of the way and we can trip back in, set a cement plug, and get back to drilling.
I’m exhausted, still mightily pissed about Lady, and thought about calling Dr. Bob.
Nah, too early, besides I need some chow and rack time.
Chow first.
One thing about every offshore rig I‘ve worked on, the food is fabulous. Amazing quality and quantity. And if you get a specific head chef, like Huib Klein Huismink from Dutchland or Đỗ Trọng Nghĩa from Ho Chi Minh City; you’re gonna have a good tour.
They don’t just cook, they chef. In their own inimitable styles.
We’re lucky enough on this project to have Đỗ Trọng Nghĩa, or Doh!, after a famous American cartoon sitcom noise.
He can make the most amazing SE Asian dishes. How he and his crew does it three times a day for over 145 hungry bodies just beggars imagination. He also keeps a supply of high-octane ‘cooking juice’ available for me in exchange for some of my cigars.
It’s called the barter system and has served mankind for billions of years.
“So, Doh, whaddya know?” I ask, walking up to the steam tables laden with not dinner and not quite yet breakfast chow.
“Fucking morning warnings to you very much, Doctor Rock”, Doh smiles by way of greeting. His English is as dodgy as my Chichewa.
We’re the best of friends.
I hand him a box of Cubans I confiscated from Duty-Free back in Amsterdam. Pricey, but that box will last Doh and me the whole project. So, economically, it makes sense.
“Doctor”, Doh asks, “See anything you like or want Doh to make you something special?”
“Doh”, I reply, “I require meat. In great, gory, giant, bleeding hunks. And a couple of your world-famous rice-paper shrimp spring rolls for starters. Also, some of that incredible Vietnamese Iced Coffee you got me hooked on.”
I loathe sweet iced tea and coffee. Except for Mr. Doh’s. With heavy crème, strong boot-black coffee, and a very secret liqueur over ice in a French Press. It’s ambrosial.
Mr. Doh quickly hands me a small 2-cup French Press, ready to go. He tells me to sit, savor a soupçon and he’ll have my dinner-breakfast ready before I start on the second cup.
The coffee has enough caffeine to give a cadaver a chubby, and it helps me to throw off the general funk I‘ve had afflicting me since I spoke last with Es. A double-pair of shrimp spring rolls arrive as amuse-bouche before Mr. Doh’s main event.
Before I can pour another cup of his amazing coffee, a prime dry-aged porterhouse steak, easily 36 ounces, charred on the outside, blue on the inside, arrives. I don’t know how he does it, but he makes some sort of flower-pepper grilling sauce that so light, so subtle, and so sneaky, you’re halfway through the steak before you break out in the sweats and your brain happily melts.
It’s marvelous; in every sense of the word. Always make friends with the chefs, especially when you’re part of a captive audience. No Qwik Stop, 7-11, or Stop-n-Robs just around the corner out here.
Properly satiated, I wander back to my room. Now, on a rig such as this, where people work in 12-on, 12-off shifts, most folks that are not management ‘hot sheet’ it. That is, they share a bed with someone on the opposite shift. Hey, there’s only so much room on a drilling rig platform, one must sometimes make concessions.
But not me. I’m running the show and as such, rank has its privilege. I have my room which is also my on-rig office with en suite full bathroom, in-room refrigerator, fax machine, computer with non-governmentally interfered internet lash-up, work desk, chair, monitors for every aspect of the rig and a private, encrypted telephone.
It’s my room, my office. Imagine my surprise when I round the corner and see a line extending out of my room and down the hall.
I walk straight on by, as most everyone on the rig probably wouldn’t recognize me.
Like hell, they wouldn’t. I run safety orientations, resolve onboard personnel issues, greet new hires and boot slackers and goldbricks. Besides that, I run the operations for this vessel. Like hell, they don’t know who I am. But I haven’t made my presence back on the rig generally known.
Yet. They think that by ignoring me, I won’t be able to see them.
I walk 10 feet to my room/office, see it’s a shambles. Shambles as in all my cigars are gone, someone’s on the Internet ‘Turning Japanese’ over amateur-midget leather-fetish dog-n-pony show porn. Plus, there’s actually someone or some three in my damned bed.
Vesuvius in 79 CE had nothing on me when I went off.
“WHAT THE FLYING FUCK IS GOING ON HERE!?!” I bellow, “What the fuck are you assholes doing in my office?”
Yeah, kindly ol’ Dr. Rocknocker is a wee bit pissed off.
“Up against the wall, you redneck motherfuckers. Each and every one of you.” I roar. I hit the klaxon in my office to call security when I notice that three of them are currently holding up a piece of bulkhead.
“Looks like we’re gonna need a crew boat, the Federales and some new security officers,” I growled.
The vast majority of these goombahs are East Indian or subcontinental ex-pats. They’re paid a pittance and do all the shit work. But, they knew the job was dangerous when they took it, no one is holding a gun to their head in Mumbai or Chennai or Islamabad forcing them over here. It wasn’t me.
One or two decide to make a break for it, thinking I wouldn’t notice. My size 16s made short work of that ill-formed idea.
“Next one that tries that goes over the side”, I growl loudly, telling them of an impending 225-foot straight south swan dive if anyone gets cute again. “Don’t think I won’t do it. You’ll be holding just enough C-4 that’ll detonate just before you hit the water. The local sharks will love that.”
They all know of my proclivities for solving problems with devices that generate rapidly expanding gases. Most of them shudder at the thought that, yes, I am that pissed and that unhinged to actually make good on my threats.
Rig Security arrives and I first chew them a new asshole for allowing such a disaster to happen.
“They were probably selling raffle tickets”, I roared, “How the fuck could you not know this was going on?”

“OK, if that’s your response, I’m calling it. Rig shut down! NOW!” And I go to get into my office and hit the big, shiny red Panic Button. One smash of that and the reactor’s scrammed, metaphorically speaking. That is, all power is cut to standby, the well’s made static, and all electrical power is diverted to the doghouse until the well is shut-in and steady.
I press that button and it’s easily $4-5 million dollars down the drain in lost time and productivity; as we have previously completed wells flowing through the tubulars of the rig. We’re not just a drilling platform out here, we’re a production platform as well.
“So, Dr. Rock”, the tribunal asks, “Why did you think it necessary to hit the Panic Button?”
“Because these motherfucking brain-dead security shitheads couldn’t be trusted enough to keep the other assholes out of management’s offices. Can you imagine the state secrets they’re selling to the guys just 20 miles north across the border in Irun?”
At least, that’s what I would have said if a couple of the security guards hadn’t fessed up and admitted they knew what was going on. They were actually taking kickbacks from workers so the workers could take showers, use my bed which was by now, indescribably filthy, and the spooge all over the Internet.
“OK. Let’s see. You, you and you, hand in your cards. You’re done here. Get to the rec room and sit there until the next crew boat arrives. No choppers, those are for workers.” I inform them. “You get to wait for the next crew boat and hopefully a really nasty thunderstorm.”
Two comply, but the former Sergeant of security protests that I’m too draconian. Besides little damage was done.
“You’re lucky I don’t hold you in irons, Sgt. Shitheels. It’s Rule of the Sea out here, bucko. You’re damned fucking lucky I just don’t stuff all your asses in a rubber raft and set you off adrift, left to your own devices.” I snarl back, as they knew I could legally do so.
By now, real security had arrived. I told them to collect each and every one of these assholes green and yellow cards. The green ones allowing them to work in the country, and the yellow ones allowing them to work on the rig.
“I want a list of names, I want a list of sponsors, I want phone numbers, and I want my office back in order within the next 3 hours. That doesn’t happen, then you all can explain yourself to the tribunal I’m calling back onshore.” I snarl, almost slathering.
“I will be in the rec room,”, I inform security. The rec room is a pretty good-sized open area for ping-pong, pool, snooker, TV, movies, smoking, and drinking your non-alcoholic drinks when you’re off duty. I’m commandeering it as an ad hoc jury room.
“I want to personally see each and every one of these asswipes before me starting in 15 minutes. The first ones I want to see are the three assholes caught in my bed. We green?” I snarl.
I am handed a couple of stacks of green and yellow cards.
“First one, 14 minutes. We green?” I ask again.
“Oh, yes, Doctor. Very green!”
“Goddamned idiots,” I growl and walk down to the rec room.
Luckily, I have a locker in the rec room where I keep some extra personal items. Gym stuff, spare shades, safety gear extras, earhole plugs for well tests, and a box or two of cigars. Smoking is allowed in the rec room, but being enclosed, I’m usually Dr. Nice Guy and don’t fire up a heater in there.
However, today is different. Very different, sorry to say for the group of laughing boys I’m going to be interviewing starting in 10 minutes.
I’m sitting behind a table with a notepad, a lit cigar; OK, I did fire up the in-room Smoke Eater, and a transcribed list of names and cards, all alphabetized. I‘m ready to dispense some maritime frontier justice.
The first three show up and they’re the ones getting all cuddly in my bed. Besides being personally squicked out about all that, even though I don’t give a shit about a person’s personal proclivities, I do at least ask, respectfully, to keep it the fuck OUT of my bed.
Consenting adults can do what the fuck they want as far as I’m concerned. But doing it on the rig floor, on top the helipad when we’re trying to land, or in my GODDAMNED bed sort of pushes the edge of the envelope a bit.
“So?”, I ask holding up their cards, “These yours?”
They all nod. They can barely speak Urdu, Pashto, Hindi, or Outer Buttfuckistanese much less English, Russian, or Mandarin. I dragoon one of the driller’s hands into being an improvised translator. I want to make certain that these characters understand the thunder they’ve called down.
“Can you understand me now?” I ask.
“Yes”, “Yes”, and “Yes”, came the hang-dog replies.
“Why we’re you in my bed?” I ask, further, “You must have known whose office that was. What the actual fuck, guys?”
No replies other than a sudden interest in the rig’s riveted and engine-turned metal floor.
“Look”, I say, “Right now, you’re all on the way back to Calicut, Lahore, Kathmandu or whatever other gritty shithole you assholes call home. You’re all fired. Done. Finito. Plus I keep your green and yellow cards. Good luck finding a job where ever you end up. Should have spoken up when you had the chance. Next?”
They hear the translation and all the color drains from their faces. One of them, an engineer of some sort, screws up the courage to call me an asshole and says “What difference does it make. You weren’t there and it wasn’t being used! You asshole.”
“OK”, I smile, “At least we’re communicating. You married?”
He puffs himself up. “Yes. Many years.”.
“Yeah”, I smile, “Me too. So it’d be OK for someone from your town to be fucking your wife right now, correct? I mean you’re not there and she wasn’t being used. Right, you asshole?”
I thought he was going to explode. He was livid, enraged, and otherwise peeved a bit.
“Fuck you goddamned big American asshole. Fuck you and your family too!’ he spits.
“Whoa!”, I smirk, “Guess I hit a nerve there, didn’t I? Going to go out anyways, may as well go out in a blaze of glory, right you little smirking dooly-boy cocksucker?”
He just stood there and fumed.
“OK’, I say, “Use a little of that ire and give me a reason not to toss your ass to the wolves; or sharks, as the case may be.”
“It cost us money. To pay off security guards. They started it. You weren’t even here and your room was empty. They sold it off in pieces for the most money. Say anything to boss people and you will go away. They threatened us.” He averred.
“Oh, ho! Right. OK, let me see if that’s the case.”, I call over to one of the security guards I could trust and tell him to go get those other 3 erstwhile guards and bring them over.
To be continued

MLM Pyramid Schemes: an abomination.

MLMs, Pyramid Scheme and Networking; they're all same, and all the reasons and facts why you shouldn't invest in any of it.

MLMs and Pyramid Schemes both rely on recruiting people and getting them to sign up. MLMs are different by them having products that make their members distribute and move, this is also what they use to mask themselves as legal business or companies. Both of these schemes promote themselves as 'legitimate business opportunity for everyone', with a promise of financial freedom and passive income after paying the sign up fee. These alone are huge red flags that you'll be wasting your money (and time), if you do invest with an MLM.

Misrepresentation and Lies with Income disclosure.

Over 97% of MLM recruiters lie or do not disclose their income, this is mainly because:
The loss rate for these MLM recruiters are 99.05% to 99.99%.
On Average, one in 545 (0.2%) is likely to have profited after expenses.
997 of 1000 (99.7%) individuals involved with MLMs lose money--not including the time invested.
On Average, most MLM members in the US earn 1,000 usd annually. That is before expenses.
That passive income they promise their leads are only enjoyed by the ones at the top of the Pyramid.
Ironically, the up lines facade of a more-than-average income is non-existent.

Misleading words and promises.

A recruiter may call or post a survey, such as this: https://docs.google.com/forms/d/e/1FAIpQLSenClrKIuxTvSmcEk8QnGMLSH46gNocDs2hjXDOuTBTsTBMTw/viewform

As they are told to do by their up lines, they mislead people by saying working at an MLM is part time. You will be putting in a lot of time, with little left for yourself, just by calling and scouring for people as potential leads.

MLM members refer to themselves as 'businessmen' or 'entrepreneurs', but it is so far from what they really do: 2a. Members have no control with their products 2b. Doing calls, inviting people to seminars, and reselling products do not mean doing actual business.

List of MLMs present in the Philippines:

BHIP Philippines / bHIP Global Inc. (stylized as b:HIP)
Front Row Enterprise
Crowd1
NWORLD (Rebranded from ROYALE BUSINESS CLUB)
Herbalife
Usana
Avon
Uno
DOTERRA
Youngliving
I AM WORLDWIDE CORPORATION
ONLINEBIZ E-COMMERCE
NU Skin
IMG

View more here :

Are MLMs legal in the Philippines?

"MLM might be confused with pyramiding, an illegal business method where compensation is derived from either simple recruitment (without sales) or complex recruitment (balancing a pair of recruits, as in a binary plan, not allowed by the Consumer Code of the Philippines and Department of Trade and Industry’s Administrative Order No.8)."
To determine wether or not an MLM leans toward recruiting than retail, you'd have to be a member to do so. Like bHIP Philippines, This MLM focuses more ob recruiting, without even having a proper warehouse for retail products. This is what MLMs do to cover themselves up as legal business, by coming up with a line of retail products in a specific category (health, Cosmetics, services, etc).
This is why MLMs are referred to as "barely legal" by many. It is a Pyramid Scheme by the way it operates, with only their products to create a facade of them being a legal and proper business.

If you want to know more about how bad MLMs are, still confused about it being a real business, and how this structure has ruined lives of many: here are some excellent contents you can watch:

"Betting on Zero" available on Netflix.
"Multilevel Marketing: Last Week Tonight with John Oliver"

What have some Reddit users said about MLMs? I read through and compiled comments and stories from our fellow reddit users.

1. Posted by u/ReelHield on Phinvest, his thoughts on IMG:
"Correct me if I'm wrong but this is where your 5k went:
1. 1k investment in Soldivo MF (bad mutual fund* since it charges high management fees of 2.25% per annum. Bad returns as well especially if you compare with index funds).* 2. 2.5k for the frame of eyeglasses (not needed by all) 3. a free book worth 150 pesos (which you can also buy even if you are not a member). 4. seminars worth 150 pesos total (you can attend 5 free workshops if you pay 150 pesos for the work book. You can buy the workbook even if you are not a member).
That's a total of only 3.8k if you need glasses. And only 1.3k if you don't need glasses.
#Bad investment."
Link to the comment.
2. u/knotsureifsrs on Phinvest, about IMG:
"I went with Luma Health instead. I read too many negative reviews on IMG health insurance. I also spoke to broker who told me to run the other way from IMG."
Link to the comment.

By a deleted user, thoughts on IMG: "You get 20% to 37% commission for your downlines. And your boss gets commission from your downlines too. Any idea who will pay for all of these commissions?"

Link to the comment: https://www.reddit.com/phinvest/comments/b9psr5/IMG%3A_A_One-stop-shop_for_financial_services_or_just_another_MLM%3F/ek648lo/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share

Posted by GrayGr4y: "Eh, checked their FB page and it looks like they have this "X-amount-earner-award" thing and member tiers (Green Jacket tier?) -> classic MLM. If what argonautrock said in his comment regarding the commission is true, then yeah, MLM. I also dislike the fact that they're using "financial literacy" to entice members (the irony)."

Link to the comment: https://www.reddit.com/phinvest/comments/b9psr5/IMG%3A_A_One-stop-shop_for_financial_services_or_just_another_MLM%3F/ek64saa/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share

Posted by ginoong_tama: "been 5 months ... yeah , exactly ... everytime I ask a question , they always say that "Attend the seminar" . tapos yung free seminar naman panay "success stories" , "how I turn my life around" , "turning point" walang Q&A . OMG yung 4.5 k ... ko ...tangina sayang ... plus 3.1k ... tangina.... :("

Link to the comment here: https://www.reddit.com/phinvest/comments/b9psr5/IMG%3A_A_One-stop-shop_for_financial_services_or_just_another_MLM%3F/f07hrpj/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share

Posted by existentialdonut: "I did too. Gave the final down payment of my tuition 7k + savings of 3k. Mom found out, and swore to me she'll get the money back. We were able to because we have relatives who are policemen. She tore the whole place down screaming at the adult recruiters how they're ruining the lives of all those college students forced to scam within that vicinity in order to earn. It was too late to return to school by then, but at least we used the money for other important stuff and also starting anew. "

Link to the comment is here: https://www.reddit.com/Philippines/comments/4vb7ga/Your_Philippine_Scam_Stories/d5x383u/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share

Posted by pawedbear, about UNO: "I joined UNO back when I was in college. Well, I was young, inexperienced and naive. I didn't know any better. It cost me 4k of my personal savings to learn the hard lesson that nothing good would come out of MLM. It was just the membership fee. At least I haven't purchased any product from them and waste more money."

Link to the comment is here: https://www.reddit.com/Philippines/comments/4vb7ga/Your_Philippine_Scam_Stories/d5x0kah/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share

Posted by a deleted user, about NU Skin: "Actually i have an MLM scam story. A guy called me who sounded super professional about wanting to schedule a job interview. I was excited cause I just finished my work contract as a working student and had no job. I unfortunately went to OCTAGON tower in ortigas and instead, ended up in a Nu skin seminar. That day sucked."

Link to the comment: https://www.reddit.com/Philippines/comments/4vb7ga/Your_Philippine_Scam_Stories/d5xbxl8/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share

Another from pawedbear, about an MLM seminar: "This one called me too before I began studying for college. I was happy to take a summer job so I can have additional income. I thought it was gonna be a call center job or something, because the woman who called me kept talking about a seminar and kept throwing around the word 'professional' during our conversation.

When I got there, the seminar started and the speaker was even encouraging us to steal money from parents just to start this 'business' with them because it is soooo awesome and sooo totally worth it! And for those people who showed interest to join them, their first 'assignment' was to provide at least 50 (or was it 100? I already forgot) contact info so they can pester more people to join them."
Link to the comment: https://www.reddit.com/Philippines/comments/4vb7ga/Your_Philippine_Scam_Stories/d5xs4eh/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share

Posted by LightEverIncreasing, about USANA and their ridiculous health claims: "USANA Coffeeshop experience. Some of their claim:
Albert Einstein awardee daw yung founder nila. Checked it, he's not.
Yung vitamins daw nila yung may pinakamataas na bioavailability sa market. Source: from book written by a doctor na investor sa company nila. No independent verifier whatsoever.
Si Myron Wentz (founder) daw ang nakadiscover ng penicillin. (Eto talaga yung signal na puro BS lang sinasabi nila kasi alam naman natin na si Flemming un jusko elem pa lang tinuturo na yun pero syempre ngiti ngiti lang ako lol)
Mas maganda daw talaga maginvest sa kanila compared sa mga Jollibee na average Php 200k MONTHLY lang daw ang kita!
Di man lang ako binilhan ng kape for the whole hour na nag sales pitch sila. Kahit sila di man lang bumili. Lol"

Link to the comment: https://www.reddit.com/Philippines/comments/4vb7ga/Your_Philippine_Scam_Stories/d5x4ajw/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share

Posted by marcusneil, about a misleading Frontrown invitation: "Yung sumali ako sa Frontrow Enterprises. Kukunin daw nila akong model sa isang photoshoot, sumama naman ako dun sa bading na bisaya na parang naka-mena pa tapos pa-conyo. It turns out na networking pala yung nasalihan ko, tangina wala na akong takas though may mga nakikita akong models din na parang na-dismaya yung makita nila yung lugar tapos may sumisigaw pang POWER! Mga may familiar faces sa showbiz akong nakita pero hindi pa rin akong ma-convince na sumali. Suddenly bigla na lang akong napa-OO, na bibili ako ng products nila, yung kaya lang ng budget ko that time na glutathione capsule. Tapos pinapahanap pa ako ng ng mga downlines. Tawag na sa akin "ups" or upline. Ang malupit pa nun, binigyan niya ako ng folder tapos tanungin ko isa isa yung mga members kung pano sila "tumaas" sa pyramid. Tangina talaga that time. Work ang hanap ko tapos bigla akong magtatanong ng mga umaasa sa benta ng ibang tao para kumita. Kainin ko daw ang pride ko. Tapos yung kwento nila paulit-ulit scripted. Ang nakakaasar pa, yung mga nasa "taas" ginagamit yung pera ng iba para makapag-Singapore lang. Pa-cool. Hindi good life kung hindi COOL life ang mga sana Frontrow. Para sa kanila, status symbol kung may sportscar ka. Na binili nila gamit ang pera ng downlines."

Link to the comment: https://www.reddit.com/Philippines/comments/4vb7ga/Your_Philippine_Scam_Stories/d5xb0uf/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share

Posted by gingervread, about all MLMs: "Fuck MLM. Fuck Networking. All of them, maybe except Avon (???). Around 99.999% (conservative estimate) of networking are scams. They are pyramid schemes disguised as product distributing companies. They all have the same tell. All their products are overpriced. Way overpriced! San ka nakakita sabon 3k?

You'd think that a 3k-priced bar of soap would make members see through their bullshit, but no..Most members are already too sucked in to this get-rich scheme to back out of the deal. It defies common sense, really.
I was 16 years old when I was first invited in a networking event. Jusko po, parang kulto. People shouting "Power!!" at the back. I call them hype men. Jesus, these people are so desperate but who can blame them really? Most of them are working 9-5 jobs and have no concrete plans on their life. Hell, most of them are in their mid-20s. Really a sad site. I just hope the new government will do something about these companies but I know they won't do shit. Many big names in the government are at the top of these pyramid schemes.
Fuck MLM. Fuck Networkers. And fuck that Ortigas building in particular (you know the one)."
Link to the comment: https://www.reddit.com/Philippines/comments/4svcad/Networking_here_in_the_philippines_scams_in_the_philippines/d5ctva?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share

Posted by noidentity63, about UNO, Royale Business Club and USANA: "I remember when my cousin from UNO tried to recruit me years ago. Said that I am guaranteed to have a car in just a few years or so. It's always the cars no? Anyway, these scumbags will go as far as to suggest STEALING from your parent's wallets so that you'd have the means to buy their business packages. And they will absolutely pester you to no end even though you've made it very clear that you're not interested in their bs.

Oh and don't even get me talking about USANA, and Royale Business Club. It will just worsen the headache that I'm already having.
What a fuckin' joke. Fuck MLMs. Fuck "open-mindedness"."
Link to the comment: https://www.reddit.com/Philippines/comments/4svcad/Networking_here_in_the_philippines_scams_in_the_philippines/d5d2nab/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share

Posted by ManbutterJam, about NU Skin: I became "open minded" and entertained a discussion with someone from NuSkin. At first it was ok kasi they talk about success and all. Attended several of their talks pero I noticed na paulit ulit yung mga sinasabi. Then nung time na they were convincing me to invest, I asked them numerous questions like, where will the money be used? Where will the pay out be coming from? What's the groups main source of revenue? So when they weren't able to defend that fact the pay out will come from other people's investment and not from selling the product, I declined upfront. Sustainability and legitimacy as my defense. I bet involved people are victims as well who just want their money back and eventually nakain na ng systema."

Link to the comment: https://www.reddit.com/Philippines/comments/4svcad/Networking_here_in_the_philippines_scams_in_the_philippines/d5cupib/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share

Posted by erwinuvatar, on MLM and Church invitations: I stopped going to church because of MLM. It was a small church, I attended it regularly because I liked the close-knit community. Then they started doing MLM (power!), and it bothered me how the supposedly brotherly/sisterly fellowship was tainted by greed.

To be fair, I'm sure not all of them had ill-intentions, but it was somewhat of an eye-opener for me. The way networking scams operate is by aggressive recruitment, and it naturally coincided with the discipleship structure of organized religion (probably only applicable to evangelicals). Which is why, now, I have the same reaction to invitations to church activities or to MLM seminars. No, thank you."
Link to the comment: https://www.reddit.com/Philippines/comments/4svcad/Networking_here_in_the_philippines_scams_in_the_philippines/d5cvngg/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share

Posted by narkko, about USANA: "Got tricked with USANA once. By my college friend, no less. Well, she did get me to by a pair of supplements thru installment basis. I have nothing against her engaging in MLM but I am against MLM in general because they make people believe in quick money. Some even to the point that they quit their normal day jobs just for this. Those success stories they post on Facebook? Yeah, if I was drugged, I might be able to believe that.Is it not possible that these companies sell their products without the need for 'recruitment'? Are they even aware of how this business structure is being perceived by some people? Or do they just not give a single fuck?"

Link to the comment: https://www.reddit.com/Philippines/comments/4svcad/Networking_here_in_the_philippines_scams_in_the_philippines/d5d1qba/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share

Posted by spidermanluke, about USANA: "I'm currently a member of USANA that's being managed by my auntie who's the one who also registered me there i'm her downline, my dad paid for my membership fee, in which, we really are not interested in the first place. My dad says "tulong nalang sa tita mo". They're really fooled into that business all of her words are too good to be true, they have this so called seminars/trainings wherein they will sharpen their knives (if i'm not mistaken). Those trainings are full of bs claiming that they're earning 10,000 USD monthly. IDK how/why people are falling with that scam.I haven't attended any seminar in that enterprise one building. However a presenter visited our house wherein my tita invited friends to listen. I asked the presenter, if it is possible not to "recruit" and her answer was vague and abrupt by telling me the benefits of being a member. If i'm not mistaken that presenter is earning 100,000 pesos per week (as she claims it to be) I'm a member of their GC in FB of the USANA group thing and they're having an outing in a cheap location. sagot niya na daw yung rice sa pot lock and soft drinks and BTW that outing is for her birthday POT LOCK FOR HER BIRTHDAY! how's that for a person who earns 100k a week."

Link to the comment: https://www.reddit.com/Philippines/comments/4svcad/Networking_here_in_the_philippines_scams_in_the_philippines/d5d2bkt/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share

Posted by SplitBamboo in response to spidermanluke: "Hey spidermanluke, I'm late to this thread, but my cousin in the Philippines won't stop messaging me on Facebook about USANA. She talks about the doctors who took her to a seminar and conference and the priests/nuns she knows who have taken it. And referencing Manny Pacquiao, but I'm pretty sure he could care less about USANA supplements.

After some months, she finally asked for some money to help start her business. I told her what I thought about USANA and how it's an MLM business, but she keeps telling me about all these success stories. I'm just not buying it. She sounds more desperate and desperate and I just feel sad about it because she wants me to help her start."

Posted by a deleted user, a former MLM member: "I have been an MLM member and earned a small fortune na rin. The problem is when people focus on recruiting when the focus should be direct selling the product (which is hard since mahal nga kasi nakanetworking) na dapat gawin para hindi hard sell ang recruitment if ever people want the products. The other problem is crappy products katulad ng sa SWA na kung tutuusin ay illegal kasi zero ang value ng 'products' nila.. Couple this with stupid people who think tagging friends with their adverts is online marketing and plagiarizing is "copy business", I am not suprised MLM is frowned upon. Wala na ako sa networking. (I burned out, long story.) I won't do it again kasi I learned that I can sell things online without having to buy in. People in MLM still hire me today as a website consultant though. Learned a lot though... Like what a (real) network can do for you and the value of persevering even when you are already starving."

Link to the comment: https://www.reddit.com/Philippines/comments/4svcad/Networking_here_in_the_philippines_scams_in_the_philippines/d5cz98t/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share

Posted by wan2tri, on MLMs being cult-ish: "Cult-ish talaga kasi ganyan naman kahit sa actual cults. Ang naging difference lang is kung pera ba o religiousness ang emphasized (and sa case ng Scientology, both meron LOL)"

Link to the comment: https://www.reddit.com/Philippines/comments/ey4sn8/usana_and_frontorow_scams/fgf6jza/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share

Posted by jealogy, this user knows the facade the MLM members put up: "Same. But whenever I do, I just come back here and read all the antiMLM posts and then I feel better. Reality for MLM-ers is harsh. They flex their earnings but in reality, they lose more than what they earn."

Link to the comment: https://www.reddit.com/Philippines/comments/ey4sn8/usana_and_frontorow_scams/fmkc748/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share

Posted by a deleted user, this is a long one: "I've been in that industry and made a small amount of money (around 1mil) and it was extremely difficult. I also did not try and actively recruit people instead moved products.

What I noticed is the unethical ways of getting recruits -- kidnap (yung di alam ni friend na prepresentan sya), ganging on a prospect and egging them to join, overhyping. I did not do those and never advocated to downlines doing these.
The industry is also chock-full of plagiarists because they are being taught of 'copy business', which I trully despise. What made me quit is when plagiarists started to overrun my website (my source of leads) and clones pop out faster than I can issue take down notices.
The industry also breeds a unique kind of arrogant people: those who are dirt poor, neck deep in debt but think they have the right to lecture an employee who earns 50k a month just because he is an employee.
The top people are junkies: those who jump from company to company for bigger offers or at the first sign of company decline. Ganun sila kagarapal. I've been in the top 20 and the top irked me a lot.
Now I am a full time affliate marketer, and freelances as a blogger for some ex-networkers who built their own businesses. The only thing that was good for my two year stay in networking is the network of acquaintances I got.
So yea that is my story."
Link to the comment: https://www.reddit.com/Philippines/comments/61rxxq/What_is_your_interesting_MLM_story%3F/dfh2a5m/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share
23. Posted by a deleted user, about cheques and photoshoots:
"When I was in that industry, the picture holding money was not in fashion. Pictures of your cheques, yes. Picture of you looking like like an idiot holding a pile of cash like it is a fan, no. It is tacky af imho.
Pictures with cars, yes. I did not have a photoshoot with mine because a) mine was not a product of networking (more on this later) b) i think it is tacky and I do not like getting my picture taken anyway.
Now here is the funny thing about cars in networking. It is manipulative. Pang power daw. The ironic thing about the cars is the way they acquired it. The company buys the car for them. No kidding. However, your uplines must recommend you first. I was never recommended because of the way I sell (i focus on moving the products, not recruiting people) which is also one of the reasons why I am salty right now lol."
Link to the comment.
24. Posted by u/stupperr, about NU Skin:
"Hayy. Mom ko napasali sa NU skin, although kumikita(daw) naman sya tapos active sa mga feeding program then natutulungan din naman yung iba naming kamag anak at maganda naman products nila kaso sobrang mahal nga lang. Pero naiinis lang ako kapag kinukwestyon ko yang business na yan tapos nagagalit siya, at napapagsabihan ko din si ma na magpahinga muna sa pag babad niya sa phone, aba nagagalit at hanapbuhay daw kasi yun eh halos di ko nga siya makausap ng eye to eye at laging siyang nakatungo.
Ayoko din yung napapa-selfie sya at mag picture ng kung ano ano sa FB para daw makahakot ng likes sabay endorse ng produkto, samantala dati bwiset na bwiset sya sa mga selfie at mag post ng kung ano ano para sa likes. Hayy, too late na para tumiwalag siya. F U NU skin, F U din yung nag imbita sa kanya. Pasensya sa rant. Putangina naman oh. :("
Link to the comment.

Free Movies Digital Codes Giveaway Megathread #4 [VUDU, iTunes, Movies Anywhere 4K etc]

Generate codes at https://oppfiles.com/710511
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(2005) God Grew Tired of Us: The Story of Lost Boys of Sudan (2008) God Help the Girl (2014) God Tussi Great Ho (2008) God is African (2003) God's Faithful Servant: Barla (2012) God's Not Dead 2 (2016) God's Not Dead (2015) Goddess (2014) Gods and Monsters (1999) Gods of Egypt (3D)(IMAX) (2016) Gods of Egypt (3D) (2016) Gods of Egypt (4DX) (2016) Gods of Egypt (2016) Godsend (2004) Godzilla (3D)(IMAX) (2014) Godzilla (3D) (2014) Godzilla: King of the Monsters (3D IMAX) (2019) Godzilla: King of the Monsters (3D) (2019) Godzilla: King of the Monsters (2019) Godzilla (1998) Godzilla (2014) Goethe (2012) Going in Style (2017) Going the Distance (2010) Gold in the Streets (1997) Golden Bowl, The (2001) Golden Compass, The (2007) Goldfinch, The (2019) Gold (2017) Gold (2018) Golmaal 3 (2010) Golmaal Again (2017) Golmaal Returns (2009) Golmaal (2006) Gone Baby Gone (2008) Gone Girl (2014) Gone in 60 Seconds (2000) Gone (2012) Good Boy, Bad Boy (2007) Good Boys (2019) Good Boy (2003) Good Burger (1998) Good Bye Lenin (2004) Good Day to Die Hard, A (2013) Good Deeds (2012) Good Dinosaur (3D), The (2015) Good Dinosaur, The (2015) Good German, The (2007) Good Girl, The (2002) Good Hair (2010) Good Kill (2015) Good Liar, The (2019) Good Lie, The (2014) Good Luck Chuck (2008) Good Newwz (2019) Good Night, and Good Luck. (2006) Good People (2014) Good Shepherd, The (2007) Good Thief, The (2003) Good Time (2017) Good Will Hunting (1998) Good Woman, A (2006) Good Year, A (2006) Goodbye Christopher Robin (2018) Goodbye Lover (1999) Goosebumps (3D) (2015) Goosebumps 2: Haunted Halloween (2018) Goosebumps (2015) Gori Tere Pyaar Mein (2013) Gosford Park (2002) Gospel of John, The (2004) Gossip (2001) Gothika (2004) Gotti (2018) Governess, The (1998) Govindudu Andarivadele (2014) Goya in Bordeaux (2000) Goya's Ghosts (2008) Go (1999) Grace is Gone (2008) Grace of Monaco (2014) Gracie (2007) Gran Torino (2009) Grand Budapest Hotel, The (2014) Grand Canyon: The Hidden Secrets (2001) Grand Canyon: The Hidden Secrets (2005) Grand Masti (2013) Grand Seduction, The (2014) Grandma's Boy (2006) Grandmaster, The (2014) Grandma (2015) Gravity (3D)(IMAX) (2014) Gravity (3D) (2013) Gravity (2013) Grease (preview) (1998) Great Beauty, The (2014) Great Dance: A Hunter's Story, The (2000) Great Expectations (1998) Great Expectations (2013) Great Gatsby (3D), The (2013) Great Gatsby, The (2013) Great Raid, The (2005) Great Wall (3D)(IMAX), The (2017) Great Wall (3D), The (2017) Great Wall, The (2017) Great White Hype, The (1997) Greatest Showman, The (2017) Green Book (2019) Green Hornet (3D), The (2011) Green Hornet, The (2011) Green Lantern (3D) (2011) Green Lantern (2011) Green Mile, The (2000) Green Street Hooligans (2006) Green Zone (2010) Greenberg (2010) Greenfingers (2001) Greta (2019) Gretel & Hansel (2020) Grey Owl (2000) Grey Zone, The (2003) Grey, The (2012) Gridiron Gang (2007) Gridlock'd (1997) Griffin & Phoenix (2008) Grimm Brothers' Snow White (1998) Grimsby (2016) Grinch (3D IMAX), The (2018) Grinch (3D), The (2018) Grinch, The (2000) Grinch, The (2018) Grind (2004) Gringo (2018) Gripsholm (2002) Grizzly Man (2006) Groove (2001) Grosse Pointe Blank (1997) Grown Ups 2 (2013) Grown Ups (2010) Grudge 2, The (2006) Grudge Match (2014) Grudge, The (2004) Grudge, The (2020) Guardians of the Galaxy (3D)(IMAX) (2014) Guardians of the Galaxy (3D) (2014) Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2 (3D)(IMAX) (2017) Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2 (3D) (2017) Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2 (4DX) (2017) Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2 (2017) Guardians of the Galaxy (2014) Guardian, The (2006) Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society, The (2018) Guess Who (2005) Guest iin London (2017) Guest, The (2015) Guilt Trip, The (2013) Gulaab Gang (2014) Gulliver's Travels (3D) (2011) Gulliver's Travels (2011) Gully Boy (2019) Gun Shy (2000) Gunaah (2002) Gunday (2014) Gunman, The (2015) Gun (2011) Guru, The (2002) Guru (2007) Guy Thing, A (2003) Guys, The (2003) Guzaarish (2010) Gypsy Woman (2002) H Haan... Maine Bhi Pyaar Kiya (2002) Hachiko: A Dog's Story (2010) Hacksaw Ridge (2016) Haider (2014) Hail, Caesar! (2016) Hairspray (2007) Half Girlfriend (2017) Half Light (2006) Half Nelson (2007) Half Past Dead (2003) Hall Pass (2011) Halla Bol (2008) Halloween H20 (1998) Halloween II (2010) Halloween: Resurrection (2002) Halloween (2018) Hamari Adhuri Kahani (2015) Hamlet (2000 (2000) Hamlet 2 (2009) Hamlet (1997) Hampstead (2018) Hancock (2008) Hands of Stone (2016) Hanging Garden, The (1998) Hanging Up (2000) Hangover Part III, The (2013) Hangover Part II, The (2011) Hangover, The (2009) Hannah Montana/Miley Cyrus: Best of Both Worlds Concert Tour (2008) Hannah Montana: The Movie (2009) Hanna (2011) Hannibal Rising (2007) Hannibal (2001) Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters (3D) (2013) Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters (2013) Hansie (2008) Happening, The (2008) Happily N'Ever After (2007) Happiness is a Four-Letter Word (2016) Happiness (1999) Happy Bhag Jayegi (2016) Happy Death Day (2017) Happy Endings (2005) Happy Ending (2014) Happy Feet Two (3D) (2011) Happy Feet Two (2011) Happy Feet (2006) Happy New Year (2014) Happy Phirr Bhag Jayegi (2018) Happy Times Hotel (2003) Happy Together (1998) Happy, Texas (2000) Happy-Go-Lucky (2009) Happytime Murders, The (2018) Hard Candy (2006) Hard Day's Night, A (2001) Hard Rain (1998) Hard to Get (2014) Hardball (2002) Hardcore Henry (2016) Hare Krishna! (2018) Harold & Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay (2008) Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004) Harriet the Spy (1997) Harrison's Flowers (2002) Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets (2002) Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 1 (2010) Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 2 (3D) (2011) Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 2 (2011) Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire (2005) Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince (2009) Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix (2007) Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone (2001) Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban (2004) Harsh Times (2007) Hart's War (2002) Hasee Toh Phasee (2014) Hat Trick (2007) Hatchet Hour (2016) Hate Story 2 (2014) Hate U Give, The (2018) Hateful Eight, The (2016) Hateship Loveship (2014) Haunted House 2, A (2014) Haunted House, A (2013) Haunted Mansion, The (2004) Haunting in Connecticut, The (2009) Haunting, The (1999) Haunt (2019) Haute Cuisine (2014) Hav Plenty (1998) Haywire (2012) He Got Game (1998) He Named Me Malala (2015) He's Just Not That Into You (2009) Head On (1999) Head in the Clouds (2005) Head over Heels (2001) Head-On (2006) Healer, The (2018) Hear Me Move (2015) Heartbeats (2017) Heartbreak Kid, The (2007) Heartbreakers (2001) Heartlands (2004) Hearts in Atlantis (2002) Heat, The (2013) Heaven Is for Real (2014) Heaven on Earth (2009) Heaven's Herds (2006) Heaven (2002) Heavy (1997) Hedwig & The Angry Inch (2001) Heel Against the Head (1999) Heidi (2016) Heist (2002) Helicopter Eela (2018) Hell Fest (2018) Hell on Wheels (2006) Hell or High Water (2016) Hellboy (IMAX) (2019) Hellboy II: The Golden Army (2008) Hellboy (2004) Hellboy (2019) Hello Brother (1999) Hello Goodbye (2010) Hello, My Name is Doris (2016) Hello... (2008) Hell (2006) Help! I'm a Fish (2001) Help, The (2011) Henry Fool (1998) Henry Poole is Here (2008) Henry of Navarre (2011) Her Only Choice (2019) Herbie: Fully Loaded (2005) Hercules (3D)(IMAX) (2014) Hercules (3D) (2014) Hercules (1997) Hercules (2014) Here Comes the Boom (2012) Here Comes the Grump (2018) Here on Earth (2000) Hereafter (2011) Hereditary (2018) Hero -- Love Story of a Spy, The (2003) Heroes (2008) Heroine (2012) Heropanti (2014) Hero (2005) Hero (2015) Her (2014) Heyy Babyy (2007) Hi-Lo Country, The (1999) Hichki (2018) Hidalgo (2004) Hidden Figures (2017) Hidden Heart (2009) Hidden Life, A (2020) Hide and Seek (2005) Hideous Kinky (1999) High Art (1999) High Crimes (2002) High Fidelity (2000) High Heels and Low Lifes (2002) High School Musical 3: Senior Year (2008) High Strung (2016) High-Kick Girl! (2011) Highlander: End Game (2001) Highwaymen (2004) Highway (2014) Hijack Stories (2003) Hijack (2008) Hilary and Jackie (1999) Hills Have Eyes 2, The (2007) Hills Have Eyes, The (2006) Hillsong: Let Hope Rise (2016) Himalaya (2000) Himmatwala (2013) Hindi Medium (2017) History Boys, The (2007) History of Violence, A (2005) Hit & Run (2012) Hitchcock (2013) Hitcher, The (2007) Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, The (2005) Hitchhiker (2008) Hitch (2005) Hitman's Bodyguard (4DX), The (2017) Hitman's Bodyguard, The (2017) Hitman: Agent 47 (2015) Hitman (2007) Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey (3D), The (2012) Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey (HFR 3D), The (2012) Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey, The (2012) Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies (3D)(HFR)(IMAX), The (2014) Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies (3D)(HFR), The (2014) Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies (3D), The (2014) Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies, The (2014) Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug (3D)(HFR)(IMAX), The (2013) Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug (3D)(HFR), The (2013) Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug (3D), The (2013) Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug, The (2013) Hoener met die Rooi Skoene (2017) Hold Back The Night (1999) Holes (2003) Hole, The (2002) Holiday, The (2006) Holiday (2014) Hollars, The (2017) Hollow Man (2000) Hollywood Ending (2002) Hollywood Homicide (2003) Hollywood in my Huis (2015) Hollywoodland (2007) Holmes & Watson (2019) Hologram for the King, A (2016) Holy Man (1999) Holy Smoke (2000) Home (3D) (2015) Home Again (2017) Home Alone 3 (1997) Home on the Range (2004) Homefront (2013) Homegrown (1998) Home (2015) Hond se Dinges (2009) Honey 2 (2011) Honeymoon Travels Pvt. Ltd. (2007) Honeymooners, The (2005) Honey (2004) Hoodlum (1998) Hoodwinked Too! Hood vs. Evil (3D) (2011) Hoodwinked Too! Hood vs. Evil (2011) Hoodwinked (2006) Hoofmeisie (2011) Hoot (2006) Hope Floats (1998) Hope Springs (2012) Hopeville (2010) Hop (2011) Horns (2014) Horrible Bosses 2 (2014) Horrible Bosses (2011) Horse Whisperer, The (1998) Hostage (2005) Hostel: Part II (2007) Hostel (2006) Host, The (2013) Hot Chick, The (2003) Hot Fuzz (2007) Hot Pursuit (2015) Hot Rod (2007) Hot Tub Time Machine (2010) Hotel Artemis (2018) Hotel Mumbai (2019) Hotel Rwanda (2005) Hotel Salvation (2017) Hotel Transylvania (3D) (2012) Hotel Transylvania 2 (3D) (2015) Hotel Transylvania 2 (2015) Hotel Transylvania 3: A Monster Vacation (3D) (2018) Hotel Transylvania 3: A Monster Vacation (4DX) (2018) Hotel Transylvania 3: A Monster Vacation (2018) Hotel Transylvania (2012) Hotel for Dogs (2009) Hours, The (2003) Hours (2014) House Bunny, The (2008) House Full (2010) House With a Clock in Its Walls (4DX), The (2018) House With a Clock in Its Walls (IMAX), The (2018) House With a Clock in Its Walls, The (2018) House at the End of the Street (2012) House of D (2005) House of Flying Daggers (2005) House of Magic (3D), The (2014) House of Magic, The (2014) House of Sand and Fog (2004) House of Wax (2005) Housefull 2 (2012) Housefull 3 (2016) Housefull 4 (2019) House, The (2017) House (2001) How Do You Know (2011) How High (2002) How I Spent My Summer Vacation (2012) How She Move (2008) How Stella Got Her Groove Back (1999) How to Deal (2004) How to Eat Fried Worms (2006) How to Lose Friends & Alienate People (2008) How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days (2003) How to Make Love Like an Englishman (2015) How to Steal 2 Million (2011) How to Steal a Country (2020) How to Train Your Dragon (3D) (2010) How to Train Your Dragon (IMAX) (2010) How to Train Your Dragon 2 (3D) (2014) How to Train Your Dragon 2 (2014) How to Train Your Dragon: The Hidden World (3D IMAX) (2019) How to Train Your Dragon: The Hidden World (3D) (2019) How to Train Your Dragon: The Hidden World (4DX) (2019) How to Train Your Dragon: The Hidden World (2019) How to Train Your Dragon (2010) How to be Single (2016) Hubble (3D)(IMAX) (2017) Hugo (3D) (2012) Hugo (2012) Hula Girls (2007) Hulchul (2004) Hulk (2003) Hum Kisise Kum Nahin (2002) Hum Tumhare Hain Sanam (2002) Hum Tum (2004) Human Body, The (2007) Human Contract, The (2009) Human Flow (2018) Human Nature (2002) Human Stain, The (2004) Human Traffic (2000) Humbling, The (2015) Humko Deewane Kar Gaye (2006) Humko Tumse Pyaar Hai (2006) Humpty Sharma Ki Dulhania (2014) Humraaz (2002) Humshakals (2014) Hundred Steps, The (2002) Hundred-Foot Journey, The (2014) Hungama (2003) Hunger Games (IMAX), The (2013) Hunger Games: Catching Fire (IMAX), The (2013) Hunger Games: Catching Fire, The (2013) Hunger Games: Mockingjay - Part 1, The (2014) Hunger Games: Mockingjay - Part 2 (3D)(IMAX), The (2015) Hunger Games: Mockingjay - Part 2 (3D), The (2015) Hunger Games: Mockingjay - Part 2, The (2015) Hunger Games, The (2012) Hunted, The (2003) Hunter Killer (2018) Hunter's Prayer, The (2017) Huntsman: Winter's War, The (2016) Hunt, The (2014) Hurlyburly (1999) Hurricane Heist, The (2018) Hurricane, The (2000) Hurt Locker, The (2010) Hush (1998) Hustle & Flow (2006) Hustlers (2019) Hustle, The (2019) Hyde Park on Hudson (2013) Hysteria (2012) I I Am Dina (2002) I Am Legend (2007) I Am Number Four (2011) I Am Sam (2002) I Am Slave (2011) I Am Wrath (2016) I Can Only Imagine (2018) I Capture the Castle (2003) I Could Never Be Your Woman (2008) I Don't Know How She Does It (2011) I Dreamed of Africa (2000) I Feel Pretty (2018) I Give it a Year (2013) I Got the Hook Up (1999) I Hate Luv Storys (2010) I Hate Valentine's Day (2009) I Heart Huckabees (2005) I Know What You Did Last Summer (1998) I Know Who Killed Me (2007) I Love You Phillip Morris (2010) I Love You, Beth Cooper (2009) I Love You, Man (2009) I Now Pronounce You Black and White (2010) I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry (2007) I Origins (2014) I Saw the Light (2016) I Spy (2003) I Still Believe (2020) I Still Know What You Did Last Summer (1999) I Still See You (2018) I Think I Do (1998) I Think I Love My Wife (2007) I Want You (1999) I Went Down (1998) I'll Be Home For Xmas (1998) I'll be There (2003) I'm Not Rappaport (1997) I'm Not Rappaport (1998) I'm Not Scared (2004) I'm Not There (2008) I'm So Excited (2013) I'm With Lucy (2004) I'm in Love With a Church Girl (2014) I've Loved You So Long (2009) I, Frankenstein (3D)(IMAX) (2014) I, Frankenstein (3D) (2014) I, Frankenstein (2014) I, Robot (2004) I, Tonya (2018) I.T. (2016) Ice Age 4: Continental Drift (3D) (2012) Ice Age 4: Continental Drift (2012) Ice Age: Collision Course (3D)(IMAX) (2016) Ice Age: Collision Course (3D) (2016) Ice Age: Collision Course (4DX) (2016) Ice Age: Collision Course (2016) Ice Age: Dawn of the Dinosaurs (3D) (2009) Ice Age: Dawn of the Dinosaurs (2009) Ice Age: The Meltdown (2006) Ice Age (2002) Ice Harvest, The (2006) Ice Princess (2005) Ice Storm, The (1998) Ideal Husband, An (1999) Identity Card — Ek Lifeline (2014) Identity Thief (2013) Identity (2003) Ides of March, The (2011) Idhu Namma Aalu (2016) Idle Hands (1999) Idol, The (2016) If Beale Street Could Talk (2019) If I Stay (2014) If Lucy Fell (1997) If Only (2005) Igby Goes Down (2003) Ignorant Fairies (2002) Igor (2009) Il Ciclone (1998) Illuminata (1999) Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus, The (2010) Imaginary Heroes (2005) Imagine Me & You (2006) Imagine That (2009) Imitation Game, The (2015) Immigrant, The (2014) Immortals (3D) (2011) Immortals (2011) Imogene (2013) Importance of Being Earnest, The (2002) Impossible, The (2013) Impostors, The (1999) Impostor (2002) Impunity (2015) In & Out (1998) In America (2003) In Bruges (2008) In Darkness (2012) In Dubious Battle (2017) In God's Hands (1998) In Good Company (2005) In Her Shoes (2005) In Love and War (1997) In My Country (2005) In Secret (2014) In This World (2004) In Time (2011) In Too Deep (2000) In a Better World (2011) In a World... (2013) In the Bedroom (2002) In the Cut (2004) In the Heart of the Sea (3D) (2015) In the Heart of the Sea (2015) In the Land of Blood and Honey (2012) In the Mix (2006) In the Mood for Love (2001) In the Valley of Elah (2007) In the Winter Dark (1999) In-Laws, The (2003) Inalé (2012) Inbetweeners, The (2013) Incendies (2011) Inception (2010) Inconvenient Sequel: Truth to Power, An (2017) Inconvenient Truth, An (2006) Incredible Hulk, The (2008) Incredibles 2 (3D IMAX) (2018) Incredibles 2 (3D) (2018) Incredibles 2 (2018) Incredibles, The (2004) Independence Day: Resurgence (3D)(IMAX) (2016) Independence Day: Resurgence (3D) (2016) Independence Day: Resurgence (4DX) (2016) Independence Day: Resurgence (2016) India's Most Wanted (2019) India: Kingdom of the Tiger (2002) Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull (2008) Indignation (2016) Indu Sarkar (2017) Inevitable Defeat of Mister & Pete, The (2014) Inferno (IMAX) (2016) Inferno (1999) Inferno (2016) Infidel, The (2010) Infiltrator, The (2016) Infinitely Polar Bear (2015) Informant!, The (2009) Informer, The (2020) Inglourious Basterds (2009) Ingrid Jonker: Her Lives & Times (2007) Inherent Vice (2015) Inheritors, The (1999) Inkheart (2009)

All Websites for Finding Free Language Courses

The site talkie is one of the biggest names out there for practicing your language skills online with native speakers. Designed for language learners to find native speaking teachers and exchange partners via Skype, the free version of their service includes some great benefits, including access to their learner community. This access allows you to connect with other learners and arrange informal language exchanges via Skype or email.

Websites for Finding Free Language Courses

When most of us think about taking a language course, we’re picturing a classroom full of wobbly desks and chalkboard dust, plus a three- or four-digit tuition fee. For those who are looking for all the structure and formality of a traditional course but aren’t sure about stepping back into the classroom or forking over those fees, check out some of these free online language courses, available in nearly as many languages as there are learners.

1. Live Lingua

Heading off the list is Live Lingua, the Internet’s largest collection of free public domain language learning materials, according to the site itself. It’s not hard to believe. There are thousands of free e-books, audio recordings and foreign language video materials available in over 130 different languages.
It’s also one of the most user-friendly websites hosting the US Foreign Service Institute’s public domain language courses, which were developed by the US Department of State for expert language learning and are now freely available on various sites across the Web.

2.Learn language .com

Learn language.com is a website with links to extensive resources on and in 19 different languages. You can learn over 1400 words in your target language for free with their vocabulary lists and verb conjugation charts, and there’s plenty more free learning to be done in the nine languages in which Learn language.com maintains its own Web-based courses.

3. Open Culture

Open Culture is an e-learning website that hosts “the best free cultural and educational media on the web,” and when it comes to languages, they’re not bluffing. Open Culture maintains a list of free courses in 48 languages across the Web, from Amharic to Yiddish. With these collected resources from governments, universities and respected private institutions across the world, you’re sure to find free, high-quality lessons in 48 languages that are learned far and wide.

4. Surface Languages

Surface Languages maintains an extensive database of free online learning resources, as well as its own beginner audio courses in Italian, Portuguese, French and Polish. Additionally, there’s a handy section with audio and flashcards in Afrikaans and Romanian, and a “recently added” sidebar that shows you the latest additions to their ever-growing language learning library.

5. Internet Polyglot

Internet Polyglot offers many of the same kinds of resources as the sites listed above, with the awesome added advantage of its “quick start menu,” which allows you to choose not only what language you’re learning but also what language you’re learning it in. Do you already speak Spanish and want to get started on Portuguese? Just select “Spanish” for the language you speak, and get started with a composite mental exercise to strengthen one language while building another.

6. Headstart2 Defense Language Institute

The Defense Language Institute (DELI), like the Foreign Service Institute, is a government service that makes high-quality language learning programs available for free. Headstart2 is one of the best and most easily navigable services hosting complete DELI courses. After quickly registering for an account, you’ll be launched straight into interactive lessons with maps, images, sound, cultural notes and more.

Websites with Video-based Language Learning Content

The science shows that switching on the TV is great for language learning. If you want your brain to soak up the sights and sounds of what actual everyday speech sounds like and how it’s used in your target language, tune in and kick back for some quality input-based learning with these websites.

7. Streetcar

For the tube-loving language learners out there, Streetlamps hard to beat. Although it’s not necessarily designed as a language learning tool, it offers free TV streaming from over 100 countries around the world in nearly as many languages.
This is an especially exciting resource if you’re learning a less commonly studied language with less widely available video material. Tuning into your favorite Albanian or Nepali TV station can easily make up for the lack of other learning materials in your language.

8. Fluent U

Fluent U is a totally different world of language learning.
If you’re into learning with video, TV and movies (which you definitely should be), you’ve got to at least grab your free 15-day trial and spend a couple weeks binge-learning here with our video and audio libraries, which feature many of the same things native speakers of your target language are watching in their sweatpants while eating potato chips at home.
Two main features set Fluent U apart from the others on this list. The first is the sheer range of available content: movies, news, documentaries, cartoons, music videos, funny YouTube videos or whatever else you like to watch, it’s there.
The second is that it uses real-world video. Instead of contriving some slowly-spoken and articulately-pronounced (and usually terribly boring) videos for learners, Fluent U directs you to authentic video content appropriate to your level with built-in learning tools that ensure you can keep up.
Starting out with the free trial will give you a priceless learning boost, and if you subscribe after the trial period you’ll be paying less monthly for unlimited video content than you’d be shoveling out hourly for lessons with even the most affordable tutors.
Here’s just a brief taste of the content you’ll find on Fluent U:

Fluent U App Browse Screen.
Fluent U has interactive captions that let you tap on any word to see an image, definition, audio and useful examples. Now native language content is within reach with interactive transcripts.
Didn’t catch something? Go back and listen again. Missed a word? Hover your mouse over the subtitles to instantly view definitions.

Interactive transcript for Carlos Beaut song.
You can learn all the vocabulary in any video with Effluents “learn mode.” Swipe left or right to see more examples for the word you’re learning.

Fluent U Has Quizzes for Every Video
And Fluent U always keeps track of vocabulary that you’re learning. It uses that vocab to give you a 100% personalized experience by recommending videos and examples.
Start using Fluent U on the website with your computer or tablet or, better yet, download the Fluent U app from the iTunes store or Google Play store.

9. Innovative Language

Since its inception in 2005, Innovative Language has striven to become one of the leading language lesson providers.
Innovative Language is a massive system of free video and audio lessons in 34 languages. It’s updated with new lessons every week, with material geared towards absolute beginners all the way up to advanced learners nearing fluency. You may recognize it from its podcast sites (for example, Portuguesepod101) These are the language-specific sites you’ll be directed to once you enter your email and pick a language. Here’s just a sampling of the many popular foreign languages they currently offer:

It focuses on featuring audio and video material made by professional teachers, and it’s one of the most prolific and consistent language sites in the game. They teach grammar, vocabulary, everyday conversations, real-life situations and culture. So, basically, you’ve got all your bases covered.
Although they have a paid version of the service, thousands of professionally produced audios and videos are given absolutely free.
You can benefit from this flood of language content regardless of your state of fluency—they’ve got something for absolute beginners as well as advanced learners.

10. YouTube TV Channels

Did you know that YouTube has an insane number of TV shows available from around the world? Just go to the International TV section and scroll through the shows sorted by language.
This one is particularly helpful for learners of Indian languages, as it includes Hindi, Tamil, Marathi and others widely spoken through the Indian subcontinent, but other options like Korean, Japanese, Spanish, Greek, Danish and more are available as well.

Massively Open Online Courses (Moo Cs) for Free Language Learning

Did we mention that we think technology is awesome? A lot of the world’s best universities agree with us. That’s why so many of them are making lesson materials and entire university courses available online for free. Here are some of the best massively open online courses for learning a language.

11. MIT Open Courseware

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MIT was one of the university hipsters making their course content available online before it was cool. Under the amazing Global Studies and Languages section of their Open Course ware website, you’ll find courses ranging from Chinese II to Contemporary French Politics, all designed to help you engage not only with the language you’re studying but also with its greater cultural context.

12. Ed X

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Ed X is one of the biggest MOOC (massive open online course) websites out there. You can find a lot of college-level courses here, created and taught by actual professors from top universities. As a language learner, you can consider taking a dedicated language class, or if you’re more advanced, taking a course in your target language. For example, right now you can sign up to take an algebra class entirely in French!
You can actually earn college credits on Ed X, through Arizona State University. Some of the courses have certificates you can get for completing them. In general, it costs money to get a verified certificate for completing a course (so make sure you check the details before you sign up), but many of the courses themselves are still free.

13. Coursers Language Learning

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The courses offered on Coursers are run by professors from world-renowned institutions, and it’s even possible to earn a certificate from many of the courses.
Coursers, another big name in online education, also maintains a Language Learning section under its online catalogue. Many of the courses will be geared toward beginners, like First Step Korean, and others will engage more generally with language learning, like the Miracles of Human Language course from Leiden University. Still other classes are taught on other topics in foreign languages, so you can learn about writing, math, engineering or literature in the foreign language you’re learning—though this approach is recommended for higher-level learners.
On Coursers, there are currently 122 classes taught in Chinese, the second most common language after English, and a long list of other languages trail after. Spanish has 79 classes. French has 41 classes. You get the idea. There are a ton of classes out there for you to try. You can even learn about entrepreneurship in Khmer!
Whatever you find here, it’s coming from a respected university or educational institute, and if it’s not on offer now, sign up to get an alert when it is!

14. Carnegie Mellon Open Learning Initiative

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The OIL at Carnegie Mellon isn’t specifically made for language courses, but there are several excellent ones on offer. From elementary Spanish and French to “Arabic for Global Exchange,” you’ll find frequent courses available in the world’s biggest and most commonly learned languages.

15. Alison

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Each of the eight languages offered on Alison’s language learning platform include at least an introductory course, and others include more advanced and detailed courses in popular languages like French. Best of all, if you complete all modules and score at least 80% on all your course assignments, you’ll be rewarded with a fancy (and free) certificate!

16. The Mega List of MOOC from Web Techno and Translation

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The blog Web Techno and Translation smartly and helpfully recommends taking an MOOC given in the foreign language you’re studying, and gives you a decent list to get started on doing so. Once you’ve broken through the intermediate level and are ready to start doing more with your language skills, why not try taking a course conducted in that language? Whether you want to study Croatian history in Croatian or systems administration in Spanish, the goal is the same: by focusing on learning about a topic instead of the language itself, you’ll learn more naturally.

Free Websites for Connecting with Native Speakers of Your Language

The biggest secret to effective language learning isn’t really a secret at all: You’ve gotta talk! And who better to talk with than a native speaker?
It’s okay if you can’t hop on a plane this weekend—instead, just click over to one of these websites, where you can connect with native speakers of your target language for free.

17. talkie

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The site italki is one of the biggest names out there for practicing your language skills online with native speakers. Designed for language learners to find native speaking teachers and exchange partners via Skype, the free version of their service includes some great benefits, including access to their learner community. This access allows you to connect with other learners and arrange informal language exchanges via Skype or email. If you're looking to invest a little more to have a private tutor or teacher at some point, you can do that on talkie too.

18. The Polyglot Club

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The Polyglot Club is an awesome all-purpose language learning website with tons of free features for connecting you with native speakers of your target language. You can find language exchange partners, submit written texts for correction, hang out in chat rooms, browse through target language videos and even attend their language events and meetups for connecting with even more learners!

19. Hi Native

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Hi Native is an innovative app that takes a nontraditional approach. Rather than giving you flashcards and courses or even facilitating Skype sessions, Hi Native allows you to ask questions to native speakers of the language you’re learning. Whether it’s about the difference between two confusing words, getting a pronunciation check or figuring out how and when to use the subjunctive, just send a text and wait for a response.

20. Word2Word

Word2Word is all about connecting the world, and they aim to do so by providing you with an insane amount of free online language learning resources. Not only are there chat rooms and meetups, but the site hosts resources on everything from typing characters in other alphabets and scripts to a Dictionary of Period Russian Names. If you’re looking for language exchange and don’t mind falling down the rabbit hole of linguistic Gerry, this is definitely the place to get started.

21. Lang-8

For many of us, speaking comes easily, but when it comes time to put pen to paper and communicate in writing, all of a sudden we feel like we don’t speak a word of the language. Lang-8 is a community of native speakers of various world languages who work together to improve each other’s writing in languages they’re learning by offering revisions and tips on the posts made in their languages—just don’t forget to pay it forward by helping others out with your native language too!

Free Vocabulary Games and Flashcards

There are boring flashcards, and then there are the kind that turn language learning into a game and wake up the competitor in all of us. To build your vocabulary while having some fun, these sites offer some fantastic flashcard exercises and other language learning games.

22. Duo lingo

How could we even make a list without mentioning everyone’s favorite pushy little green bird? Duo lingo user-friendly vocabulary games made language learning cool again by unlocking the power of gaming for language learning.
They use the gaming strategy to make sure you retain more of what you learn than you would from your standard, flipping-through-printed-flashcards approach. The truly dedicated will be rewarded by being asked to translate sentences of increasingly comical ridiculousness as they work up through the levels of their language.

23. Mesmerism

Mesmerism gives you a more hands-on option for flashcard learning with its “memes.” You can use the cards provided by Mesmerism and other users, or you can create your own mnemonic devices by composing and finding images for your own cards. Somehow, repetition doesn’t seem so repetitive when you can turn all your flashcards into irreverent memes and personal in-jokes tailored to you and your own brain.

24. Digital Dialects

For beginners and those suffering from 90s nostalgia, Digital Dialects is a techno-retro online game site with animated and interactive lessons in a couple dozen languages. Listen to the voice as it names fruits, then click them and drag them into a basket, or match English phrases to the ones being spoken in your target language. It’s a simple platform free of distraction, and it offers that j NE said quo for the Nintendo kids who still have a knack for learning in 16-bit.

General Language and Language Learning Resources

For those of us with a deep and passionate love for language and languages, we want to know everything about them. Not just how to get from the airport to your hotel or how to make small talk during your coffee break, but the details.
Who speaks the language we’re learning, and where do they speak it? What’s its history, and what can it teach us about the cultures that created it and that are created by it? These websites include the kind of encyclopedic information necessary for thorough, holistic learning, as well as free courses and learning resources.

25. Omnipotent

If you’re learning one language or find yourself in a poly amorous love affair with all languages, Omnipotent should live on your browser’s bookmarks bar. This online encyclopedia of writing systems and languages is like the Wikipedia of all things languages and linguistics.
Not only does it provide linguistic and cultural information on hundreds of world languages, but it also offers some of its own free video lessons. Under its “courses” page, Omnipotent maintains an impressive list of links to learning resources for specific languages, most of which are free.

26. BBC Languages

Another goldmine for the language and linguistics geeks in the room, BBC Languages offers free information and learner resources for 40 world languages. While some are more thorough than others, the seven languages listed on their main Languages homepage include extensive links to target language media (like TV streaming services, online newspapers and magazines in French, Chinese and Greek). The kinds of resources offered vary from language to language, but most include overviews and phrasebooks, as well as BBC’s own introductory lessons, on-site courses and links to help you find classes in your area.

27. Thought Co.

Thought Co. provides a long list of language learning resources like many others on this list, but also has its own sites dedicated to several of the languages on its list. About French, for example, includes educational videos, blog posts on French learning topics and guides to language essentials. About German offers much of the same. Explore multiple languages and find links to extensive resources across the Web.

28. Wiki travel Phrasebooks

You don’t have to be planning a vacation to take advantage of Wiki travel! The user-maintained wiki has a compilation of travel phrasebooks, ranging from well-known world languages like Arabic and Portuguese to less popular choices like Kannada and Parliament.
Even some of the most skeleton-like articles on languages like Zulu include guides to pronunciation, basic phrases, numbers, time, transportation, eating, shopping and common problem-solving vocabulary, making it an incredible resource for practically-inclined learners who just want to get out and use their language.

Free Language Learning Websites for Specific Languages

Some of the best free sites out there are the ones that focus on a single language, building an entire website packed with information, lessons and more for learners who know what language they want and know they don’t want to break the bank learning it. Here are some of our favorite websites for learning that one language.
French

29. The French Experiment — Free French lessons, stories, reviews and cats!
30. London Speaks French — Vocabulary and grammar lessons with a helpful pronunciation tool to compare your voice to natives’ voices.
For dedicated Francophile looking to max out their online learning time, browse through some of these best websites to learn French.
German

31. Deutschmark.com — With 10 beginner lessons and 24 advanced grammar lessons, this free resource is a great starting point for beginning learners and those intimidated by the infamously frustrating German grammar.
32. Deutschmark — This greeter Online-Deutschmarks has helpful audio clips and interactive lessons, as well as links to in-person courses in Berlin and other parts of Central Europe.

33. Deutschmark Welles — The German international broadcast’s online Deutschmark offers free courses by level, from beginner to advanced.
For video-loving learners, don’t forget about all the great YouTube videos for German learners out there!
Spanish

34. Study Spanish.com — Don’t be fooled by the simple name. With exhaustive information and lessons on all aspects of the language, it’s a Spanish linguistic powerhouse and a goldmine for learners.
35. Spanish Games — Learn Spanish with fun, interactive vocabulary games.

36. 123 Teach Me — A mega-resource for all things Spanish, including free online games, courses, word of the day and a handy verb conjugation.
If you like thinking outside the box when it comes to language learning, you can also try out some nontraditional websites for learning Spanish.
Chinese

37. CCTV — Chinese public television, as well as a BBC-like array of written media and resources for Chinese language learners.
38. Chinese-Tools.com — A 40-lesson online course with a learner forum and Chinese dictionary.

39. Zhengzhou Red — In-context vocabulary and culture lessons in a conversation-like format.
More of a bookworm? Try getting started with some free and cheap Chinese e-books!
Japanese

40. Japanese Online — A simple beginner’s resource with four units on the basics, topic modifiers, sentence structures and Japanese traditions.
41. Easy Japanese — Flashcards and games geared toward writing and speaking the language.

42. NH World — This Japanese public broadcaster maintains its own online magazine, including language lessons, audio clips and video resources for learners.
Is it grammar that’s got you down? Check out these websites for mastering your Japanese grammar.
Arabic

43. Arabic Online — This website from the European Union aims to help beginners familiarize themselves with the Arabic language, and offers several paid courses beyond the beginner level.
44. Arabic Keyboard — Aside from helping you with tricky Arabic script and the grammar that goes along with it, this site includes super helpful, practical information about the Arabic language, its dialects and where and how to use them.

45. Arabic Reading Course — For absolute beginners, this letter-by-letter course is the perfect jump-start to get you reading and writing in Arabic.
Portuguese
46. Learn Portuguese with Rafa — Beyond introductory lessons on things like counting and ordering food, Rafa maintains a sidebar full of links on everything from traditional recipes to doing business in Portuguese.

47. Tod Munro Pod — An exciting So Paulo-based podcast with basic tips in English and the rest in beautiful Brazilian Portuguese.
48. Practice Portuguese — For those looking to learn Iberian (European) Portuguese, get started with the free Practice Portuguese Podcast.

49. Really Learn Portuguese — Podcasts and flashcards for beginner, intermediate and advanced learners, all brought to you by two friendly Brazilians.
These 49 websites prove it: Money is no object for determined language learners.
The first step is just clicking one of the links above.
Haven’t started learning any one language yet? Choose your language and head over to Omnipotent or BBC Languages to read up on it. Build up your basic vocab with a flashcard app or your favorite language game, immerse your brain in quality video content and connect with natives around the world via Skype or your social network of choice.
With money concerns firmly out of the picture, now all you need to do is make the time for language learning, and you’re all set to start heading towards fluency!

funny jokes for kids(10-11) in hindi video

The following (unofficial) list of the thirty funniest children’s’ jokes ever is brought to you by the amazing www.free-for-kids.com for the purpose of spreading a little mirth, merriment and happiness around the web for young children and older children alike. Distractions; Jokes; 110 of the best jokes for kids that are genuinely funny With the Easter holidays here, and no guarantee of good weather, no parent wants a house of bored children on […] Here are some clean, silly and funny jokes for kids. Have your pick and fill your home with laughter! Funny And Silly Jokes For Kids. 1. Sleep deprivation can make a person do crazy things! Q: Why did the man run around his bed? A: Because he was trying to catch up on his sleep! 2. Jokes for kids aged 11. Our expert humourologists have determined the most age appropriate jokes for 11 year olds. Studies reveal that compared to younger age groups, 11 year olds actually know quite a lot of stuff. This is reflected in the type of things they find funny. Here are some of the best jokes for these big-brained know-it-alls. Best Funny Jokes Best Suvichar in Hindi Comedy Jokes Hindi English Funny Jokes English Non-Veg Jokes Friends Funny Jokes Funny Chutkule Funny Hindi Jokes Funny Jokes Funny Jokes Hindi Funny Jokes Images Funny Jokes Images Download Funny Jokes in English Funny Status Jokes Funny Viral Jokes Good Morning Sms Happy Holi Wishes Husband-Wife Jokes Apr 1, 2014 - Share these jokes with your kids and grandkids!. See more ideas about jokes for kids, jokes, funny jokes for kids. These funny jokes for kids are guaranteed to make them laugh. We've included clean and silly kids jokes with themes like birthday jokes, pirate jokes, and animal jokes. Most kids are little clowns by nature, but learning how to tell a good joke is a skill that they will need help mastering. While your comedic chops may not rival Will Ferrell's, you can still help your child fine-tune their sense of humor by teaching them a few simple jokes for kids. Looking for funny jokes for kids? Here are 75+ hilarious kids’ jokes that are clean and family friendly! My boys are really into jokes right now. They like to hear them, tell them, and make up REALLY GOOFY ones that don’t make any sense! Just for fun, here are 75+ of the best jokes for kids. {Best} 500 Jokes in Hindi and Funniest Jokes in Hindi JOKES IN HINDI : Find Very Funny 500+ JOKES IN HINDI, Superb Collection HINDI JOKES, Funny Jokes in Hindi Jokes. You will get here Very Funny Husband Wife Jokes in Hindi, Funniest Jokes in Hindi sources with Pictures/images Hindi Jokes, Not only this but also you can get Best WhatsApp Funny Hindi Jokes, Funny Hindi Pictures, Funny Hindi SMS

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